Gratitude

I find this title to fit best as it's the emotion I've felt the most since we've had this cute Tayler enter our lives.

And to get why I feel so grateful, I guess I should pick up where I left off. A couple days after my last pregnancy post, I headed to my 38 week appt. to find out that she was even lower and that I was more dilated (at a 4). I'd been having all kinds of "false labor" signs and contractions and my back and pelvis just ached from it all. My doctor mentioned that she was a bit concerned with how far progressed I was in labor, and when my body decided to switch to the "active labor" that it would be fast. She wanted to have as much control as possible (in other words, she really didn't want me having this baby in the car on the way to the hospital) and gave me the option to set up an induction/augmentation for Saturday (she actually needed to get approval for this since they don't induce before 39 weeks anymore).

There she was. Handing me the delivery date, the end to all of the pressure and pain that I've been feeling and I actually hesitated. Yep, this was the week where I'd hit the point of no longer teaching classes, let alone walk. I was so uncomfortable with the pelvic pressure, and wasn't getting any sleep. Every night I just collapsed on the couch at 7:00 and remained there until I could drag myself upstairs for bed. I was losing an appetite for food (minus the awesome chocolate pb protein shakes Mike made for me every night!) and was feeling so irritable. But I still hesitated.

Which is why I think Mike was inspired to show up at that appointment with me. Figured it'd be good to meet the doctor before labor, and minus the ultra sound, it was his first one. He looked at me and then the doctor, and said "we'll do it."

So simple. Something I love about my hubby. While I might stew over an option, weigh the outcomes of either and eventually come to the same conclusion, he'll look at the information and often make a much quicker decision.

She made a quick phone call, and set me up. Then mentioned if anything started any earlier to seriously hustle to the hospital.

The night before heading out I was filled with mixed emotions. I'd never just walked into the hospital with a planned date for delivery, and the whole thing felt foreign. And, I was concerned about being induced. While technically, it was called an augmentation, or a super light "kick start", I was still a little worried with how things would respond or how it would all go.

It was then that I realized (with the help of Mike), I was going to worry myself into a bad experience. I needed to take some of my own advice that I give to others about positive thinking and direction and apply it to my own situation. And that I needed to trust the process.

And that's exactly what I did. In short, the day could not have gone any better. I enjoyed a night of sleep (minus the bathroom trips!), we fed the kids breakfast and took them to our neighbors (no family in town, so coordinating things was a lot easier on a set day instead of the middle of the night phone call!), we made a comfortable and quiet drive to the hospital, and checked right in.

The hospital was great. We went to the one closest to us, but it's also known around town as the "spa." Centering on a holistic approach, I was interested to see what they'd offer.

First thing the nurse asked was for our birth plan. Mike and I looked at each other, and a long pause immediately followed. We've never actually had one other than "let's get baby out sooner rather than later" and with Alexis, I wasn't even in the hospital for an hour before having her. "well, we'd like to have a baby today," was about all I could think of in response.

They were awesome. They brought out essential oils, offered all kinds of cool things like healing touch, a doula, music, an exercise ball, you name it they had it. It turns out things went quick enough that I really just took advantage of the oils and exercise ball, but they were great.

Giving birth "naturally" or without anesthesia isn't for everyone, and I would never type this to make someone feel like they shouldn't get an epidural. Every pregnancy is different, and every body is different in how they respond to pain and in how the baby works through the process of labor.

But, for me, I actually think that my body does better without the drugs. I like feeling in control, I like being able to move around during contractions, and I like knowing exactly how and when to push when that time comes. And, the recovery is so much quicker for me. I can get up, move around (get off my back!), and let the healing process begin almost immediately. Not to mention the euphoric sensation that follows as your body is clearly pumped full of adrenaline. It's like you could climb a mountain. Twice.

Plus, I have the benefit of a baby that is already extremely low, and a labor that goes quick. Sure, there is the risk, but I also take in the confidence of my doctor and those around me as support. If something were not working as it should, I'd be the first to take the drugs and move to a different direction.

But I didn't need to go there. They started my contractions with a small does of pitocin. Once they were steady, the doctor came in and broke my water. I spent about 2 hours in active labor with really steady contractions. Listened to my ipod, listened to Mike make jokes - nothing to make me laugh too hard, and spent some time on the exercise ball (sooooooooooo much better than a hospital bed!).

Mike was an awesome support, or has he calls it, just a good listener. Talk when he should talk, music when I ask for music, silence when I ask for silence, a back rub, then don't touch. I can't imagine anything feeling more confusing to listen to, but he does a great job responding to it all.

The nurse came in for a check and I mentioned that I felt like things had really progressed, but wasn't sure. She offered a bath as a great way to ease through some of the contractions. Right then I looked at her (mid-contraction) and another nurse walked in. That nurse looked at us and said asked if I really wanted to get in the tub. Taking a breath between contractions, I looked at her and said I didn't think I'd make it back out of the tub if I got in and that I really felt like things had progressed. She didn't hesitate to check and sure enough, I was an 8.

Then the contractions started to pound. No longer able to maintain any type of balance, I was back on the bed, and I went into my own world. Experienced a huge wave of nausea, and then it passed moments later. Everything seemed irritating, nothing felt comfortable, the contractions kept coming faster and stronger than the one before. They reach a point of intensity where it really takes over your whole body and mind. For me, I completely concentrate on the circular motion of the contraction (starting in the uterus, then traveling up, down and back through the lower back, finishing in the pelvis). The tough part about the circular motion is it doesn't leave one place as it travels into the next. It stays there and builds and builds. The drop through the spine into the lower back and pelvis is so intense that it really is difficult to breath. Inside your mind and body are screaming, but on the outside, I can barely speak. As if the energy to talk would be too much. Once they feel so full body, I kind of check out to the rest of the world and just focus on breathing and my mantra "the pain will go away". Before I knew it, I had a huge and extremely intense need to push coupled with indescribable pain and pressure. It takes over your whole body and while you are still aware of where you are, it's almost as if you're transported somewhere else at the same time. Focusing all of the energy downward and having a huge need to get the baby out, you begin to push. For me, it took 2 very close and strong contractions with 2 pushes (or 1.5 as the doctor said) and that little girl was out!

I was so focused on the pushing that my eyes were closed, and I remember my doctor saying "open your eyes!" just at the moment that she came out. They put her right on my chest and I kept saying "she came out!" over and over. So happy that we'd made it, and so happy to hear her crying and see her so healthy! Delivering the placenta was like a side note to the whole experience. I was so happy and focused on our new baby girl it was no big deal. Mike cut the cord, and they just let us hang out with her. Different from our 2 previous experiences where I felt like they whisked the baby away as soon as they could to measure, weigh and clean them up. At this hospital, they really like you to spend time connecting with baby and it was some time before they ask to take her for the measurements.

After delivery Mike asked me how long I thought it took from the time the nurse checked me to the time that we had the baby. I told him it was easily a half hour to forty five minutes, although it did seem as if the doctor was rushed to get in and I remembered feeling like I needed to tell her I was ready to push sooner than she thought I was going to be ready.

Nope. 10 minutes. That's all it took to go from an 8 to delivery. He told me the doctor had to pretty much run into the room as the nurses scrambled to make sure everything was set up, and then I was pushing. There was no time for chit chat.

The rest of the day was euphoric. It was extremely amazing to have the experience of becoming a parent once again.

It took us about a day to name her. We had about 3-4 names that we'd been throwing around, but once we had a good look at her we knew she was a Tayler. Love the "er" ending - while less common it feels more feminine. And, her middle name Catharine is after my mom.

It's here that I circle back to gratitude. Best shown in a list of all the things I'm so grateful for:

- Mike. He was (and still is) a rock star in support. Spent the whole delivery behind a face mask and then snuck out post-delivery to the nearest insta-clinic to find that he had a sinus and eye infection. Started up on antibiotics, but really didn't get to enjoy holding the baby much while we were at the hospital. Yuck. Seriously bad timing!

- My doctor. So grateful she wanted to set the delivery up this way. Could not have gone smoother, and it was so nice to spend the labor in the hospital instead of mid-scramble with the kids and car trip.

- Our friends and neighbors. I'll probably post about this again, but they have been AMAZING with help. I can't thank them enough for their kindness.

- Tayler. I spent the first night with her hardly able to sleep. She was snoozing like an angel, but I felt overwhelmed with gratitude that we are blessed enough to have another kiddo.

- The two other kiddos Max and Alexis. They've been anticipating her arrival for weeks. Max's typical morning comment during the last week or so was "wow mom, your belly looks bigger. Maybe you'll have a baby today." They came over the next day to see her, and ran into the room with excitement. Max was so wide-eyed and jumped when he saw her. Alexis ran in and said "she came out mom!" They couldn't wait to hold her, and minus a couple of typical 3 year old meltdowns, have been rock stars with the transition thus far. Such awesome helpers.

- The love and support I know we're getting from our family from afar. Thanks you guys.

And, while the fatigue has settled in, and while I feel like I may never feel caught up with anything again, I'm still grateful. For the chance we get to have to go through the course of parenting another kiddo. For the chance we have to enjoy the bigger picture of what things are really about. For the learning experience that will come with Tayler - even though she's #3, she's a #1 in figuring out who she is and what she's about. All of it is extremely tough, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.


The belly during the last week of pregnancy. Not the best "belly" shot, but close enough.