Pay it forward

At this point, we knew a fast move was approaching.  Which, like with any move, meant we needed to let go of a few things.  I'd been holding onto this bag of dog food from Kermit (I had actually just purchased it a couple weeks before he passed, not knowing he was going to die).  Along with some unused treats, I found out the local Humane Society will take donations like this.  I was happy to not just throw it all away.

It actually took me about this long to rev up the emotional courage.  For a long time, every time I looked at his stuff, I just teared up so much.  By this point, the grieving process had moved forward enough that I didn't feel like a crazy crying lady dropping off dog food.

Ended up being a fun adventure, and a good way to put things to use again.

The beginnning

While vacation was a terrific distraction from our last week with Kermit, I was a bit shocked at how coming back would be so difficult.  I had no idea I would grieve the loss of him so badly.  But, it was really tough to get back at the routine of life and not have my shadow with me.  Sounds crazy, coming from a house with three kids in it, but it was dreadfully quiet and I felt so lonely in so many ways.

From our morning "wake up the kids" routine, to little jobs like doing the dishes (where he'd stay right by me), or pulling out the vacuum (he'd run along with me from room to room), I couldn't believe how many triggers I had of him all day long.  

And, it was tough to see the kids.   Max especially struggled that first week back when he would come home from school.  It'd been there thing to play tug of war (almost) every day after school, and he really missed the energy from Kermit.   One night, he wrote a list of all the things he loved about Kermit.  It helped him a ton to focus on the positive.

Alexis grieved a bit differently, and it all hit her a bit later.  The sweet thing would just melt at different times during the day, saying how much she missed having kermit around.  After a really rough week, I found a picture of a dog and told her to color it and think of all the happy memories she had of him.  She worked so hard on it, and picked our pantry door as the place it should hang.  And it's still there.

Some things do just take time.  There was no quick fix for us (or me), but I did have to consciously decide to focus on all the good that he'd brought to our family, and (try) to separate myself from all the sadness I felt along the way.  After going through the seemingly endless lists of "firsts" without him, I felt more capable to retrain my mind to focus on something positive when sadness crept in.  

Even now, months later, I still have moments where I just miss the little guy.  But, we experience changes and tough things for so many reasons.  And I really believe that things happen they way and in the timing that they should.  

The End

It's 1:30 on a Thursday afternoon.  I have a rare open window of time to myself.  Max is at school, Alexis is on a playdate, and Tayler is actually napping soundly.  In just a couple days, we are leaving for a week long vacation of which I have hardly done anything to prepare for.  And, while the to-do lists between work, home and vacation prep are blaring at me, I can't seem to touch a thing on any of them.  Instead, I head up to the landing on our steps, pull the blinds a little higher to let more sunshine in, and lay down next to my dog.

It's his favorite spot this time of the day.  The sun warms the carpet and he loves to be there as he can typically rest while keeping eyes on me.

But today is a bit different.  Because I know it is one of his last.  As I lay next to him, we snuggle on our favorite blanket together.  It's the same blanket we've used since he was a new puppy nine years ago.  The blanket has history.  Homemade, washed and patched up around the edges more times than I could count, it has worn well.  I picked up the fabric from the Los Angeles garment district when I was in college.  As leaders of our dance team, we spent a few days with our coach taking as many classes as possible and soaking in as much choreography as we could in an effort to bring it home to use and develop from for the upcoming year.  Our coach knew the city well, and one morning knew exactly what booths to hit for the deals on fabric for uniforms for the season.  It was there, on a day when I was so exhausted from all the dancing and walking, but energized at the same time with the adventure of it all, that we walked by this fabric.  Both a friend and I picked it up.  A funny souvenir for a vacation, but nonetheless, I was excited.  Who knows what she did with hers, but mine has clearly stuck around.

We lay together.  I begin to think of all the hours we've spent snuggled on this blanket together.  Pregnant and exhausted, I should take the opportunity to sleep along with him.  But I can't.  As I listen to his labored, sleeping breath, tears stream down my face.  While I wish all the medicine in the world would fix this little guy, I know, and so does he, that isn't going to happen.  His time is short, and his breath and movement is labored.  I have no way to comfort this guy, other than to share my love with him in the best way I know how.

So we lay together.

His dramatic change began the Sunday prior.  On that same blanket, as he sat next to me, he had a seizure.  Not his first one but odd to watch this one initiate while he was in a resting position.  Something neither Mike nor I had witnessed before.  Kermit had occasional seizures.  In fact, a few years prior, we'd taken him to the vet, had a full check up and were told that we should just watch them.  If they became regular, to bring him in.  But they never did.  Post seizure, the guy was beat (as he would get), but then went back to being his usual self.

The next evening, as we sat there together, I was rubbing his ears, when I felt the entire side of his face was extremely swollen.  In just a day, he seemed to have developed a huge tooth/gum infection that had inflamed a side of his face.

I took him in the next morning, and by then his eye was swollen shut.  The vet evaluated him, and said with a surgery tooth-extraction/cleaning combo and some medicine he should be back to regular.  She drew a blood sample before we left, gave us some pain meds for the little guy and had us scheduled for first thing on Thursday morning.

But, the surgery never happened.  As we found out, the tooth/gum infection was just the tip of the ice berg for our little guy.  His blood work showed that his blood cells were attacking one another.  After taking another sample the next day, they had depleted so much, she wasn't even sure what combination of meds would or could bring him back.  After going through a list of everything under the sun that he could have gotten himself into, and then ruling all of those out, she let us know that he was suffering from an autoimmune disease, and had been for quite some time.

As she told me all of this over the phone, I felt like I couldn't understand what she was saying.  I remember asking her what would work best to bring him back to good health, and then she started talking about a specialist in another state.  At that point, my mind turned off.  As if it had stopped processing all information.  I called Mike and was so jumbled in explanation, I told him to call her directly.  So he could make sense of what I'd just heard.

That's the funny thing about dogs.  You always know that they will never live as long as you, but you never really expect or plan on them not being there either.  Standing in my mudroom, I was just arriving home from carpool, and the energy of the kids coming home was in the background.  Our dog was there with us, and I just couldn't imagine that he really was at the end.

"He'll bounce back from this." I said in my head over and over that day.  "He's a tough dog."  The past few nights had been relatively sleepless as Kermit (who sleeps in his own bed in our room), kept breathing so loudly and irregularly.  His infection from his mouth had caused a small yet constant spotty dribble of blood.  As I kept finding places around the house to clean up I would tell myself, "This couldn't be the end.  It's just an infection, and he'll clear up."  I told myself.  Convinced myself.

By Wednesday night, although he still wasn't eating any regular food, and hadn't since Monday, I was convinced that he was going to pull through.

My hopes were smashed as Mike and I did our own research on what his condition really meant.  Reaching out and talking with as many voices of reason as we could, we began to draw to the obvious conclusion that fixing Kermit was no longer an option.  It was about doing was was best for the little guy.

Thursday was thankfully a warm, sunny day.  Something that has been very few and far between.  As the kids came home, the girls joined me on the landing.  Tayler loved the chance to sit with him and snuggle with him and her baby.

  When they gathered together for their snack at the table, Kermit struggled his way down the stairs.  Instead of joining them under the table as he usually does (to catch and eat all the spilled crumbs), he chose to just stop at the bottom.  With the warm weather, I carried him outside.  He lifted his head and enjoyed the warmth.  I'm so grateful that he was able to enjoy that day with the kids.  Clearly their energy helped him forget how much pain he must have been in.  He even perked up and barked a little as they ran around.  I'm so happy they all enjoyed that afternoon together.

As the evening progressed, the little guy worsened even more.  In hopes of getting him to eat something, I cooked up eggs for dinner (probably his favorite food).  It was tough to watch him struggle to eat a few bites only to leave the rest in his bowl.  Even tougher to watch him stay and lay on the ground instead of joining the kids with their bedtime routine.  Even tougher to listen to him try to breath.  Even tougher to see him clearly in pain.

Max had an amazing knowledge and sense about the whole thing.  After we'd put everyone to bed, he came back downstairs and asked to spend some time with his buddy.  As they snuggled and his eyes filled with tears, listening to all his questions about death and life were something I'll cherish.

By the next morning, our little guy had a look.  Ready to get the kids up for school, Kermit would usually walk along with me as we went from room to room.  But on this day, as he was unable to get up and walk, I carried him from his bed to each of the kids rooms so he could be there.

Many times through out the morning, I'd catch him lying trying to get enough air to breath.  His face and eyes had lost all shimmer, and he was clearly ready to go.  I'd carry him as much as I could to let him feel, hear and sense a little more of what went on, but as I held him, he no longer held himself.  Instead the little guy would just collapse into me, as if it hurt too much to even be held.

As much as my selfish mind wanted to hold onto him so that I wouldn't have to let him go, I knew he was done.  And, as if he knew that he wanted to say goodbye to everyone, he held on until both Max and Mike were home. 

Friday, March 14, 2014 was his last day.  Almost exactly nine years old.  Love that kermie-kerm.

Quick Trip

  My family came up for a quick weekend trip over Mothers Day.  Main reason was for Tayler's baby blessing (which we did on Mothers Day!), but ended up being a huge help the whole weekend.
 
Mike, my dad, sister and brother took Max to his first Twins game.  He was so excited.  They arrived super early and Max caught one of the balls during warm up.  Unfortunately, by the time the game was supposed to start a storm rolled in.  After holding out as long as they could to see if the game delay would pick back up, they ended up heading home.  Even though he never actually saw the game, Max was still pretty thrilled with the whole experience.

 We were in the middle of open houses and showings, so we spent a lot of time away from the house.  But, when we were home, they pitched right in and helped plant flowers, clean and held Tayler for me!

Took a trip to the zoo!

 Tayler's blessing was beautiful.  We were so grateful to have some of our extended family there for support.  So grateful to have her in our lives, and look forward to making many memories.  I expected her to just cry and fuss during the blessing, but to my surprise, she was awesome.  Completely awake, wide eyed and happy.  A few people commented that she was so wide eyed and happy during the whole blessing - as if she was listening to every word.  Just like Alexis, she wore my shoes that I was blessed in!  She wore the same dress as Alexis!

 Papa and Bryce brought up a cool wood project.  Per Max's request - a tank!

 Came home from the day of church, and just as everyone was winding down, we had a phone call for another showing.  30 minutes to sweep everyone out and head over to a park for an hour or so.  It was great weather, and super nice to have some extra hands to help with some of the showings!

 Their last day, we had more showings scheduled, and our options were pretty limited with overall time and with where we could take Kermit.  Took them out for one last park trip and lunch!

The Drive

Well, I thought I'd recap the drive experience. More than anything, so I have something to look back on. I'll warn you now, it's long and I probably rambled too much.

The first morning we left around 7am. We'd planned to leave earlier, but didn't make it out. We learned quickly how nice it would be to have those extra couple of hours, and left every other morning around 5am - giving us a couple hours to just drive. In silence.

Back to the first day. I think we were all excited to get out on the road, and the kids were super excited about having a tv in the car. Yes, we bought the strap-on-the-back-of-the-headrest tvs per recommendations from pretty much everyone I talked to. I was pretty proud of myself for catching them on sale and with a coupon, so they were cheaper than what I could find used. Since tv viewing is extremely limited at our house - without going into a lot of detail - tv viewing is brief. My kids just do better with other things (and I do too), and to be honest, hearing the noise of the tv just stresses me out most of the time, so we don't watch it. Unless I'm cooking dinner. Then it's fantastic. Or if someone is sick. Then it's a great place for them to lay and hang out. I could probably think of a bazillion other times when we love it, but for the most part, we just fill our time differently. Anyway, I went with recommendations and thought the tvs will be such a novelty and they will just be so excited to watch movies!

20 minutes into the first movie my kids were B.O.R.E.D. Alexis was already asking for a book and Max had dug into his backpack he'd packed. Oh great. This is going to be a very long trip if they won't even watch something to keep them occupied!!

We made it to our first rest stop which had a great grassy area for dogs. So, we ran the dog (and the kids) when snap! Kermit's entire collar completely broke. He kept running (I'm sure shouting "freedom!" the entire time), while I stood there holding a leash. Thankfully, the next thought that came to his mind was "food!" and he stopped with ease and made his way back. Not wanting to stop and spend time looking for a replacement, we jimmied the leash and pretty much used that the rest of the trip.

Pre-planned things that were a success? Snacks in plastic cups. Big hit. Story time in the car. Mental note: Do not let Max pack 3 Spiderman books. I cringe every time I see them. Color wonder markers. Stickers. Magnetic boards. Pipe cleaners. And of course, Max's transformer.

No gos? Any other writing thing I brought. For some reason, they just wanted the color wonder markers. Puzzles. Packed a couple of those, and even though they were small enough, didn't really seem to be of interest.

Where did the tv's end up for the rest of the trip? We actually tried a couple of different shows and found that the short shows were what caught their interest instead of a long movie. Probably because that's what they are used to watching anyway. Probably because we didn't pick up a new movie for them to be excited about. And, by the time we were driving back, Max was totally content watching a movie while Alexis slept. So, I still put them under a success, and for long trips, I do think they help.

Unplanned successes? The amount of time they were content just looking out the window. We even had this fun spaceship/different planet/alien story going for a good part of Wyoming - both times. The kids loved the pretend stories we could make in the car. Music. We had a big selection - and had thought Mike and I would really benefit from it initially, but there were plenty of times the kids loved just listening to tunes. The different maps we picked up along the way. And some of the games we just made up on the spot - both in the car and at rest stops. Seeing sights along the way - random places to check out. Laughing at each other. Fun times.

Unplanned failures? Number one for me, definitely the impact of the nausea and the car trip, especially on the way home. I didn't think we'd ever get out of the car, and the thought of a long trip still makes me a bit green. And the challenges of traveling with a dog. Well, maybe not any dog, but definitely our dog. While I love Kermit to death, it is a lot of extra work to manage him at gas stations and try to figure out where to eat since you can't relax in a nice air conditioned restaurant. Which on our first stop in Council Bluffs, NE, we went to the nearest park. Next to railroad tracks, a viaduct, and extremely low income housing. Surrounded by who-knows-what is going on crowd and who-knows-what is actually in the grass so we had better not sit down. Quickest picnic lunch we ever had. And one of the only times I wouldn't let the kids play in the park. So gross.

Back to the dog, where you have to make sure you have enough bags to pick up the poop, etc. I was pretty grouchy about it by the end (again, I blame all grouchiness on my nausea, but who knows, healthy Sara might have been just as bugged). I had some definite Marley & Me moments, and was ready to give him away by the time we made it back to Minnesota. Then it took a week or so for me to really snap out of it, and decide that I really do love the dang guy. Actually, it just took me really watching how much the kids love him, and then I decided I liked him. Or maybe it was when Mike told Max that I wanted to give the dog away and Max started crying. Real tears. She can't! Where would he go? He cried. Or maybe when I remembered what a companion he really is for me - right by my side every night, and the closest thing around when I'm sick. Probably a mixture of them all brought me back to reality that yes, we have a dog, yes I love him, and yes, he's part of our family.

Sure, there were moments that Alexis just cried. And times when they needed something every two seconds. And sure, we were exhausted from the actual driving. But, overall I really do say the pros for us outweighed the chaotic moments. I really was a pretty dang fun way to build some memories.

Didn't take many pics, but snapped a few in Wyoming.

Trip Prep

Our summer vacation this year was a trip to Utah. It was our first time going back in a little over a year, and were excited to see family. This trip took a lot of prep work on my end, as we decided to d.r.i.v.e. with the kids and Kermit, 20 hours each way (splitting up into 2 10's) for a variety of reasons:

1- We wanted to take Kermit
2- I needed my brake rotors and pads replaced. Mike's dad has ALL of the tools to do this at home, and we knew we'd save a huge chunk of change if the two of them could crank it out one night.
3- Did a cost comparison and not only would we save on #2, realized we'd save more than a bundle if we didn't board the dog and didn't fly.
4- The reflective-looking-for-teaching-opportunities-parent in me thought it'd be a good chance for the kids to realize that things don't just immediately appear. What better way to instill the lesson of patience than to buckle them in their car seats for two days. Of course, the deal-with-the-reality-parent in me really wondered how this would actually turn out.
5- We're a bit crazy.

So funny to hear people's reactions when I'd mention that we were planning to drive to Utah. I'd get strong opinions that it wasn't possible to expect a 5 year old and 2 year old to handle life in the car for 2 entire days (4 if you add in the drive back). Or, I'd get the complete opposite from other people who do the same thing for the same reasons, and actually find it pretty doable (okay, most of those people are in our ward. And, they were all pretty much making the same drive. to Utah. Oddly, either the same time frame or overlapping the same time we were going.)

This was our first time doing the long car trip thing with the kids. Put together all kinds of games, books, snacks, what to pack, etc. I made too many lists, thought of way too many scenarios, and overall probably just spent too much time on the prep work. Probably because I was expecting the worst, and was, for the most part, dreading the unknown. Oh, and maybe I dreaded it because of the constant pit of nausea I'd knew I'd have the whole drive.

But, in the course of the prep work, I decided to create a teaching opportunity for Max. He's been talking about how he wants a transformer for AGES. And, we're pretty big sticklers on the nothing new unless it's your birthday or Christmas kind of thing, so I'd just been telling him he'd have to put it on his Christmas list for ages.

But then I thought this would be a great opportunity for him to earn his own toy. Wanting to avoid allowance, and scheduled "give me money because I did what I always do" entitlement attitude, I found this great idea on another blog to have him earn his money one extra chore at a time. Combined it with another great idea I heard from another mom, and voila he was on his way to earning himself a new toy for the drive to Utah.

So, just like you'd have someone earn extra credit in school, or give salespeople opportunities to add onto their base salary via commission, Max had the chance to earn his way to the transformer. All of his regular chores would not count towards anything. Those are things to do because things just need to get done. But, for every "extra" job he'd earn one box. One box = 10 cents. Maximum number of boxes to earn would give him a full $20 to spend, just about what he'd need for the transformer he'd had his eye on.

He'd have a little over a month, and I told him that when the month was up, he could take whatever he earned and head to the store with it. If he worked hard, we'd head to the store with transformers. If he didn't work hard, we'd go to the dollar store.

Talk about motivation for this kid. He worked his tail off, and was so happy to earn this. On his own. Fulfilling for me to have the "see how much work it takes to get something" talk, and for him to actually understand what I was saying.
Alexis even caught the action and earned herself a beautiful bracelet.

Hello Minnesota!

I'm currently sitting in our hotel room looking out the window at a very different sunset from the one I saw Saturday night on Eaglewood golf course. Different in the landscape that surrounds it, but just as beautiful in the same kind of way.

The car trip was a success - Kermit managed to enjoy sleeping for the better part of the trip, and I learned for myself why everyone says Nebraska seems to go on forever.

Our first 12.5 hours landed us in Lincoln, NE where it's never felt more muggy or hot. At 9:30 at night, I was flooded with memories of my time spent in Korea, complete with the sound of the cicada buzzing in the trees near our hotel. And, at 7:00a.m. the next morning, I thought Kermit was going to pass out as he tried to breathe through the thick and humid air.

The next chunk of driving took us through Iowa and up to Minnesota. Thanks to our GPS, we were able to stop for lunch in the small town of Williams and eat fresh cooked hamburgers from a little drugstore/ice cream parlor called Cheaper By the Dozen. It was such a treat to see a glimpse of small town USA, and to sit on the corner of a main street that, other than asphalt, sidewalks, and a telephone poll, hasn't changed much since 1901.

Minnesota welcomed us with ominous clouds, a burst of a rainstorm, and a quick reminder that we are a long ways from desert country. And, just like the flip of the switch, we woke up to a nice sunny morning, and even more beautiful day.

A great day to once again become homeowners! We feel so grateful for the ease we've had in both the home selling and home buying process, and are excited about the new neighborhood and new adventures that the area will bring.

Tomorrow the moving truck arrives, and the fun begins. I know Max will be looking forward to empty boxes ready to become the new human tunnel in our basement.

Speaking of the kettles*, they are having a blast of a vacation with the grandparents. We are so thankful for their willingness to play with them while we drove and sorted through the home transition. I can only imagine how different the car trip and move in would have been with the little people. Max has already cheered a loud "whoo hoo!" over the phone after hearing about his new room and the nearby park.

The journey continues! And, as we are now calling the land of 10,000 lakes our new home, I am keeping my commitment to post more regularly!!

*kettles - Max's pronunciation of "kiddos"

MPLS Update

Whirlwind. That would summarize the past two weeks.

House put on the market. Check. House hunting trip to MPLS. Check. House cleaned for walk-thrus with two kiddos while Mike is out of town for work. Check. Made offer on house in MPLS. Check. Offer turned into a bidding war with another buyer, so we dropped out. Check. Made offer on another house in MPLS (lucky for us, it was just down the street). Check. Offer accepted. Check. House in Utah received an offer and is now under contract. Check.

Whew. I think that sums it up. Our address here will be valid through the end of June, and then our new residence will be in the land up North sometime in July (with a couple weeks of being homeless in the middle). That was fast.

While Mike and I were in MPLS, we stopped in the cute town of Stillwater. Almost bought a house in this town, but ended up about 10 minutes away. We will definitely be making visits to the local ice cream shops and fun main street. Mike is looking forward to intervals on this bute of a hill. This hill is actually part of the Nature Valley Classic criterium - said to be the toughest crit in North America.
I love that Mike chose to pack his warm down coat on this trip we took in May. I think it was to make it look so much colder in these photos than it really was. Come January, he'll probably need to layer two of these or something, but for May, I think he had a few laughs from the locals.

And the kids have been troopers through the chaos. Miss Alexis has mastered walking all over the place and it's stinkin cute. She's popped out with loads of dancing moves, new growls, has a huge love for throwing balls, has picked up all kinds of new words, and loves to be put in dresses.
New teeth seem to be breaking through pretty regularly now, and she will find any chance she can to keep them clean.
Maxman just finished up his last tball game of the season, and was a hoot for Mike and I in his preschool program. We feel like we can't write down his funny comments fast enough.