Gator!

See the alligator in this photo?

What about this one?

Me neither. But there's such a great story behind these photos, I had to write it!

We were driving home from our Saturday night dinner out as a family, and one of our favorite games while we drive this particular road is to count all of the iguanas we spot. They are so colorful and I feel like I'm looking at miniature dinosaurs every time we see them.

But on this night, as we were looking out, Mike said "Look! Gator!!" and sure enough, there was a HUGE alligator on lying on the grassy slope. He had clearly just come up from the canal and head to tail tip was easily 12-13 feet. His width was unbelievable and he was black as black!

Abby missed him, and I wanted to get a photo (yes, those amazing shots above), and you can't really pull over, so Mike made a u-turn and we went back around for a second look.

Just as we made it back around, we were chatting how uncommon it is to see a gator so far from the water, and on a slope that is that steep (gators don't like to work if they don't absolutely have to!). Then we look over and the gator was fully up, walking/moving so quickly up the slope and into the green behind (that area actually goes right into another lake)! We couldn't believe we were seeing him MOVE so quickly and right in front of us!

So of course, I thought, I want to get this on video! But we were driving, and my fumbling excitement of enjoying the moment turned into me taking to photos nowhere near the gator, and not even switching it over to video!

Oh well.

It was still awesome.

Principles of Truth: Forgiveness

Sometimes you're standing in the kitchen and you hear a noise that you really don't want to hear. Sunday night, at the end of a fantastic Mother's Day, I heard one of those sounds.

A reeaallly large crash. Followed by an "uh oh."

I've learned, through loads of error, that it doesn't help to react in the situation. And I've also learned, that in order to respond, I must allow myself a moment to breathe before discovering the noise. As there were no hysterical screams or cries for immediate help, I knew this crash was fully object- related and no human being was damaged in the process. So I took full advantage of a few breaths before rounding the corner.

As I made the turn, I found my most favorite painting in a jumble on the floor. The frame was smashed and in pieces on the floor, and a child-who-will-not-be-named was wide-eyed with sorrow. It had been a complete accident. This favorite image rested on top of a heavily used bookcase, and unknowingly, the bookcase had shifted away from the wall just enough that a vibration from the doors closing a bit too hard knocked the picture to the ground.

This kiddo was crushed. She knew how much I loved that picture (I reference it often), and felt like this action might be unforgivable.

But of course it was.

Later that night, well after we'd put everyone down for bed, this kiddo came downstairs to discover I was trying to figure out how to fix what had been broken. At the time I hadn't found a solution, and needed to think on it.

And then this kiddo said, "are you sure you forgive me?"

And I said, "of course I do. Things are things. What matters most is you."

Then this kiddo burst into more tears, needed more hugs, and I realized a small teaching moment. This kiddo was buried in feelings that I can relate to in so many ways - negative self-talk. Shame. Perfectionism. The feeling that she wasn't enough. The worry that forgiveness eventually runs out.

The truth is, I'd forgiven this kiddo before I even left the kitchen.

But she needed to be heard. Her worries needed to be spoken. Her concerns needed to be validated back into truth. The process created space in her mind for truth. To let go of beating herself up for doing something "wrong" and to realize the journey of life isn't about "not making mistakes."  Because we all will. The real journey is in how we respond. What we choose to do. Where we choose to look. How we choose to move forward.

Our simple little chat about forgiving ourselves was the first principle of truth. And here's where the real beauty of this moment came in. The picture that had been broken was this one:

The One who is always there.
Hand outstretched and ready to lift us where we stand.
Always willing to forgive.
All we need to do is look up and ask.

Beautiful.

The frame is glued and is back in it's proper spot as a central image in our home. Full of so much more meaning than it ever had before.

Monkey Bars

Ever spend way too long on a simple house project? Yeah, me neither.

I’ve been making an effort to tackle these odd projects, and today was a wall-hanging. 

One hole, lots of peeled paint, and more-marks-than-I-can-count later, I decided this would be a great opportunity to put the wall-hanging project to rest...in the garbage can. And the new wall damage would be a great opportunity to bump up the “paint girls bedroom” project.

And there we were - four kiddos ready for dinner, nothing prepped, project remnants all over the floor, crazy seasonal allergies from yours truly, and a hubby traveling for work.

And I gave myself permission to let go of the routine for one night. We loaded into the car, headed to Chick-fil-a drive-thru and googled a new park. 

Which leads me to the monkey bars. Probably one of our greatest little joys as parents is when we practice and see each kiddo try, fail, try and eventually learn to swing on those bars. Tayler learned this new skill earlier this year, and loves every opportunity to try it out. 

So there we were. Laughing that Max is tall enough to “walk” the bars, soaking in the sounds of the birds, climbing the trees, playing basketball and simply connecting as a family. It may not be grand, but it feels extraordinary. 

5 questions I never thought I'd hear

As a follow up to questions I've asked, I chuckled thinking of some favorite questions I've heard:

1. What do you do all day while I'm at school?
2. Why can't we move a mountain right by our house?
3. Did you know you were married before I was even born?
4. What are those lines on old people's faces? Do I need to draw them on pictures?
5. If Jesus is in heaven, and heaven is on earth, is Jesus sitting next to me RIGHT NOW?!

5 questions I never thought I'd be asking

It's been funny how mom life creates questions I never thought I'd be asking. These are a few favorites (if you can call them that?):

1. (helping a preschooler make their bed): Why are there rocks in your bed?
2. (cries from a three year old after bedtime): Is your nose actually bleeding or are you just trying to stay up later?
3. (upon opening a lunchbox FULL of the same food that was in there from the morning): Do you actually eat lunch at lunchtime?
4. (I feel like I ask this WAY more than I should): Have you changed your underwear? Today? (yes, the follow up question is always needed!).
5. Where did this come from?

Embracing the quirks of an 18 month old

As a mom to four kids, I realize this more and more every day:

I have four extremely different humans.

And as much as their uniqueness makes them magnificent, some of those quirks are a little interesting to navigate. Especially from an 18 month old.

Her most recent quirk has been ongoing (since birth), but now with legs that toddle and an independent mindset, her quirk has intensified.

It began with the choice to take the two littles on an adventure to a local museum. Develop those fine and large motors skills, and change up the scenery. Upon entering the museum, I expected to chase after her, to pick her up when she fell, to fix shoes, and give her lots of hugs when she didn't understand sharing. I expected she'd cry when she was hungry or frustrated.

I didn't expect the element of surprise. When curiosity, quirks and determination combine into a perfect storm. My expectations would soon be replaced with the actual task of prying my 18 month old off of strangers' laps.

Specifically male strangers.

Since birth, this gal has gravitated toward males over ALL females (minus yours truly). Any thought of an adult female reaching to touch her and she'll give the loudest cry/head throw back/stiff body she can muster. Yet an adult male? She loves to snuggle, giggle and laugh (side note: my husband loves this about her. He wins over me - unless it's food related. I've nicknamed myself the "food lady").

In her mind, she saw the museum as a welcome opporutnity for loads of laps and legs to climb on. Which meant I had the task of awkwardly invading personal bubble space as I pried her off of these laps.

Since I felt the need to say something as I grabbed her, I said everything from "oh, she's in a funny phase right now" (Let me just reach over you and grab her off of your lap) to "she is really fascinated with climbing. ha ha. looks like she likes to climb onto laps." (As I swoop down to pry her off) to "she really likes strangers" (Who says that?!)

Slightly embarrassing?

Not too bad. At least not until I pull her close and she does the head flail/stiff body/scream as-if-I'm-the-stranger cry. That's kinda uncomfortable to explain, and in that moment the room temperature feels like it increased 10 degrees. Okay 20 degrees. (mental note to self: always wear short sleeves for any future museum trips).

The reactions were all over the map. Everything from a polite fake laugh, "ha ha, kids are funny" (crinkled eyebrows) to "Oh!" (as he tries to put her down) to complete annoyance. Granted the annoyed guy was probably a bit justified as his daughter was already on his lap, and my daughter climbed on the other knee and immediately tried pushing her off. Or, the super-uncomfortable-my-wife-is-sitting-next-to-me-and-you-are-way-too-close-and-invading-my-personal-bubble-crazy-lady look with no words.

That one was a little awkward.

The funny thing is, every time she did it, I mindlessly thought we were "done" with that awkward moment, and she'd want to focus on the exhibits. Parenting is so funny. We actually think we can predict the future.

Each time I was surprised as the first that she'd actually attempted another lap climb. I wasn't distracted, I wasn't sitting in a corner, but I was literally standing right next to her every time. Would say something to my four year old, would bend down to grab a toy and she took any opportunity to sprint. While each lap climb became a bit funnier to me, the room kept getting hotter, and I was a whole mix of emotions.

As I realized this was now her 'adventure', I actually found myself trying to redirect my four year old away from any potential exhibits that may have a lap prospect "Oh hon! Let's not go over there today, it's probably not very fun..." to "Oops! Looks like this area is full!" Anything.

In those mindless and somewhat frantic moments, I learn something more about myself. How to breathe. How to relax a little and laugh instead of cry. How to recognize this completely separate human has such unbelievable trust and love in a world that is so very different from where she came from. How much I want to keep her safe and innocent so she can embrace life with trust and not hold herself back. How much I feel the burden of peeling the layers of the reality of the world with the innocence and pure love of her spirit. How much I proactively hold that burden as I want her to learn tools for safety so she is prepared. How grateful I am to know that God will be with me every step of the way.

I'm often blown away at how many emotions motherhood creates almost instantaneously. I have no doubt it is from the Lord. I have no doubt it is tool to enable us to learn and grow. May I remember this experience to choose to live and embrace the moments of today. Because laughing is definitely more fun than stressing.

We Moved In

Wahoo!  Move in day arrived!

Zero pics taken - but I will recap saying it was pretty crazy/stressful trying to align everything between the closing and the movers bringing our stuff over (so grateful to have that blessing of movers with a company relocation), but it was crazy trying to get the timing right.

And we had a really small window to move in before hubs left town for a work trip.

Timing was everything.

When it was all said and done, we moved in, and the hubs had three days to help me out before he was outta town for a little over a week.

The girls were troopers with me.  Between feedings, we'd attack the unpacking.  Having unpacked from packers, I know it's a little crazy.  Their goal is to pack according to weight, and safety.  Not for how you'd always organize things yourself.  So it's pretty overwhelming when you open "one box" only to realize you need to open all the boxes for the whole room to get things unpacked.  And then still find things in odd places. 

It felt overwhelming, but tackling it a room at a time was so helpful.

Kitchen

Bathrooms

Closets (hanging)

Family Room

Kids Rooms 

Melting pot from there!

And with the unpack, I realize how very blessed we are, and really try to think about the items and the need for our family.  Letting go of what we don't need and giving it to places/people that do have needs is much better than having it sit around for 'in case we need it again.'  It takes time, and I feel like is a constant battle, but is worth the effort!!

Hubs sent a beautiful pic of his work trip to Maine:

 Oops!  Washed the 2 year olds' FAVORITE BOOK EVER!!

 Dumping out ALL the toys was the only way to unpack them.  And declutter.  Declutter.  Declutter!! We easily let go of 50% of the chunk, and the kids haven't missed them.

Commute

Then came the fun part.

School began.  We were still about 5 weeks out from moving in (although we didn't know that at the time - we thought it was 2-3 weeks!).  

We were living a good :45 - 1 hour away from it all.

It was an awkward window of time.

And there was a TON of debate and conversation with "what to do."  But, with all the solutions to make it easier on me, I really knew the best solutions for the kiddos was to start them in school.  Not to wait, not to enroll them somewhere else, but get them moving forward in their new chapter.

Which meant a commute.

Not two times a day, but four (thanks to a full day third grader and a half day kindergartener).

So grateful for the help I had from my dad and hubby who were able to pick up some of the morning drop offs for our full day guy.

And for my sis allowing us to crash at her house when we were 'in-between' places for the day.

In short, it was tough.  A strong willed two year old who wanted to have 'fun' all day, and who of course wanted to start potty training (I bribed her in every way to hold her off on that one until we moved in), and a newborn, who wasn't sleeping.  So mama was tired.

But we funny little things were blessings.  

Like we had AUH-mazing weather almost the whole 5 weeks.  There were fun parks to go to every day.  We discovered all kinds of things - like the closest public bathroom to our house, that McDonalds will give you ice water in the large cups for ridiculously cheap, I was able to do a handful of outdoor workouts (when I had the "energy"), and we'd drive by the house daily - simply to see if it might be 'ready' yet.  I focused on taking it all one day at a time.

Some days were longer than others, and clearly, I needed to learn the value of patience.  Breathing.  And enjoying the present moment.

Can't say I'm an expert at any, but it's good to look back and know we did something that felt so hard at the time.

Two weeks

Not many pics, but the time after having our baby and actually getting in the car and driving to Utah was two weeks.

So while I was trying to juggle, heal, nurse and take care of a newborn and life with three other kids (one who happened to be 2 and wasn't very thrilled with the new addition), we also had Mike leave for most of that time (thankfully his mom flew out and helped juggle!), coordinating all things moving - which was also the window of time we found out our house wasn't going to be done when we thought.  So I was packing for 2 months of 'temporary living' and shipping boxes via UPS.  With a newborn.  Oh, and there were all kinds of paperwork things and registering the kids for school, and getting them to start when I needed them to start (not when the school wanted them to start - but that's a whole different post).  And then figuring out where our 'stuff' was going to be stored since we weren't moving in when we thought.  And finishing up the final say on all the home choices - yes, it was our choice to finish building a spec home, and it did add a lot of pressure in a short period of time, but we feel like we've ended up where we need to be.  Oh, and not sleeping.  Ever.  Turns out you can't take those 'new baby naps' when people are in your home - inspections for the home sale, realtors dropping by to finalize paperwork, movers coming in to do their thing.  Yes.  So grateful for the many hands and 'jobs' people took on to get this thing in motion.  But man, it was a lot in a two week time period.

I cried.  A lot.  Because when you're a new mom, those hormones are crazy anyway.  And you're tired.  And overwhelmed as it is.  

But more than crying, I prayed.  All the time.  Prayed that things would work out how they needed to.  Prayed constantly that I'd be able to drive to the store without nodding off.  That my kids would adjust okay, and if they weren't adjusting, that I'd know what to do.  Endless prayers.

And you know what?  The Lord was with me.  Often.  In the smallest of ways.  And most often through others - who would stop by and pick up the kiddos.  Or would call with dinner.  I have tears as I type and think of the many small and numerous ways we were lifted and strengthened.  Because there's no way we could have juggled this alone.

 Hard to tell, but she spent some serious time on the counter.  It was the ONLY place I could set her down and keep her alive (anyone with a jealous/unhappy two year old and newborn can relate).  And all things baby were boxed up.  So that was a little weird too.  Instead of prepping a room, and having what we needed, it was all about eliminating everything but the absolute essentials.

 This happened many times as Mike was pulled back and forth from the end of May until the end of July.  But the kids would usually set him a spot at the dinner table.  I thought it was pretty clever.

 Yes!  I remembered to take a pic of her first bath...

 Quick, stop and enjoy the baby for a minute!

 This image ALWAYS makes me teary eyed.  Anytime I see the moving truck driving away to the 'new chapter' while I'm still standing in the 'old chapter.'

Such a sweet big sister!

The beds were taken a part a few days before we actually moved.  This was REALLY hard for this gal, and she couldn't sleep at night.  During the day - with all the people and noise in the house, I found her a couple times, asleep on the floor of her 'old room' (the room she had before the baby came), as if she was grasping for anything that felt comfortable.

And our last photo in the house!!  Our two year old embraces many of the emotions we all feel with change - not wanting it to happen!  And my two big kids were being so incredibly brave.  Grateful for the hubby and what a level head he maintained in all of this.

Checked into our hotel, and of course HAD to go to our favorite local bbq for our last dinner in Nebraska!

I think this is the only pic I took of our car trip to Utah.  It was rough with a newborn.  A little stressful as we were getting calls about our home being pushed back even more.  And windy for those bikes we were pulling behind us.  All of the above made the drive much slower than usual - we had planned to stop and stay overnight and break it into two days, which definitely helped.

And of course, I was a ball of emotions.  So much change at once, as we were driving away, I was thinking of all those I hadn't had a chance to connect with, and anxious about all the change ahead.  And did I mention I had a lot of hormones?!  It was a little crazy.  So grateful for the two big kids and the hubby who were SO positive!!