Choose to Trust

To my future self, or our children, or our grandchildren who will at some point in life experience change through moving:

I get it.

When I hear the word "move" and think of the changes surrounding it, my initial reaction is a throat-closing-off-heart-pounding-out-of-my-chest sensation. Even after moving to four different states in an eight year time period. Or wait. Maybe it's because of the four moves to four states in eight years those feelings come to mind.

While the reasons for moves are as different as the brush strokes on a canvas, remember the purpose of your path. Keep your perspective broad and remember we are here on earth to learn and grow. If the opportunity has arrived for you to learn and grow through moving, embrace it. Hold tight to it.

Choose to trust.

You might be moving five minutes from where you currently live. You may be moving to a place you've never been to, where you don't know anyone and where you can't even figure out which way is North.

Choose to trust. North is always constant. You'll find it again.

And remember, there is good everywhere if you choose to find it. If you choose to discover it. If you choose to proactively allow yourself to embrace it.

You might feel worried or guilty or fearful that changing through moving will bring added stress/worry/discomfort to your children. It probably will. Maybe they will feel anxious or depressed. They might lose confidence in themselves. But this is nothing to feel guilty, worried or fearful about. Trust the process. Let them wobble in unsure ground and give them space to dig deeper into their roots. To learn their true identity isn't made by friends or accomplishments but in knowing that God, their Father, loves them - no matter what, and has not forgotten them. Let them soak in the satisfaction of truly understanding resilience. Of working through the struggle while climbing the mountain. Let them climb.

You might have moments where you question why. Or you look back and remember how comfortable life was. You may even run scenarios of trying to rewind or undo the change. Give yourself permission to have a bad day, to talk out those thoughts, and to validate yourself back into truth. Back into your purpose. Back into trust. Sometimes you'll be able to do this on your own. And sometimes you'll need the help of someone who can lift you where you stand. It may be a spouse, a parent, a friend who has moved and understands the journey. It may be a professional - a person trained with the tools to help reframe mental thoughts back into truth. Trust that while the past has brought you to where you are today, it is who you become with the present that matters most.

The moving process will probably give you an opportunity for a clean slate and a fresh start. Take advantage. It may mean letting go of things/items that can serve a purpose with others before you leave. Be prayerful and the Lord will guide you. Remember that no matter the current home, or goods you own, they will never bring you the joy and satisfaction that comes from learning and growing through trust in God.

In your new area, you may feel lonely at times. You may yearn for old connections and friendships. There are so many tools out there to keep you connected - use them to fuel you, but don't rely on them. No technology will replace the growth that will come from face to face connections you will make with those that surround you. Give that loneliness to God. Because while you may feel lonely, you are never alone. Pray for ways to be proactive and ideas to get to know those around you. Then go and do them. Stepping out of your comfort zone may be a big challenge for you, but it will probably become one of the most rewarding. Trust those ideas of connection as they come to you.

You may be starting new job or supporting a spouse or parent who is starting a new job. It may be hard. There may be unforeseen challenges. There may also be unforeseen opportunities. Encourage them. Lift them. You will always be stronger together. And remember, you're on the same team.

You may need to let go of things that no longer serve you, and moving may instigate this change. Let go of the resistance and trying to hold onto old ways, and become curious. It may begin a learning journey for new routines in every day life that you may have never considered had you stayed comfortable. Allow yourself to be molded into who He desires you to be.

You may need to let go. Of work. Of volunteer commitments. Of a whole list of things you once identified yourself with. And that's okay. Remember that all of those things had purpose in the present, and it's okay to give yourself permission to embrace new chapters. As you lean into the new, unseen opportunities and understanding about your true identity as a Child of God will become more clear.

Remember the small and simple tools of connection with God. Pray, study the scriptures and obey His words to the best of your ability. Begin a daily habit of the small and simple if you have not yet. It will be a strength to you, it will open the path for you to know His will for you more directly, and it will remind you that through His strength, we can do all things.

One day, you'll walk around your house, and it will feel like home. It most likely won't happen until you've put your heart into the place - cleaning, organizing, unpacking and hanging things with meaning on your walls - but it will happen. The day will come that you unconsciously turn on a light switch - one that you couldn't find on the wall initially. You'll no longer run into doors or walls during the middle of the night. You'll hear a sound and know exactly where it's coming from. But beyond any of the things you place in the house, the feelings of "home" will come from the memories you choose to create within its walls. Be consistent with those simple moments that will bring connection and peace to you.

You may experience a burning desire to explore. In ways you never felt before. Trust those feelings and to the best of your ability - with your commitments, time and finances, explore. It could be as simple as a Saturday afternoon adventure, or an overnight camping experience. It may mean a mini-vacation. As you explore, you may find a burning desire to learn the cultures and traditions of where you live. Take the time to learn them. The more you learn about where you are, the more you'll see the beauty in those who surround you. It may increase your desire to learn more about who you are. Study that. Embrace it.

One day you'll be driving in what was a new area, and will realize that you are able to navigate your way without the help of any digital assistance. Soak in this achievement. Celebrate it. Congratulate yourself on every destination you are able to reach with confidence.

Sometimes, you may look up to the sky and see clouds. The weather patterns and skyline may feel unfamiliar to you. Take time to learn these new patterns. And remember that no matter the clouds, the sun is always shining. It is always constant.

Grow the good. In your home. In your heart. In those you come in contact with each and every day.

Look up as you are in every day life. Look out to those who you can be mindful of and serve in small and simple ways.

Be patient with yourself. Do the things that fill you up. Maybe that's connecting with nature, going for walks and talking, exercising, deepening your meditation, prayer and scripture studying, developing a new hobby, or sitting down on the floor and playing with young children.

And above all, cultivate gratitude. Begin each and every day with a prayer of gratitude for the journey as it is unfolding. And end each day focusing on the specific ways God has been mindful of you.

Because he is.

His love for you is abundant.

Simply choose to trust.

Creating Family Dinner in 3 Ways

During the late afternoon to evening window I do one thing with complete consistency:

I pray.

And try to breathe.

Emotions bounce between my excited, energetic school-age kiddos and my little ones who pull at my legs and fiercely want all my attention. Throw in car time for after school activities, and it's a whirlwind of chaos. I often pray the heavens will open and remind my children that while there are four of them, there is only one of me. And as I focus on math or spelling with one kiddo, that I'll react patiently when my toddler dumps out all of the toys in the entire house. Or while I'm cleaning up my toddler and her mess, that I'll listen to my seven year old share her favorite story from recess. Or while I'm having my older kiddos do their 'jobs' for each day, that I'll remember they are still learning the process. While it would be so much faster and easier to do myself, enabling them to learn is important to me (one goal I have as a mother is to teach them to be self-sufficient and independent human beings - much easier said than done).

Most of all, prayer and breathing remind me to mindfully focus on the now. Embrace today and all the learning and growing that comes with it. Eliminate my "to dos" to be more open and available to really listen. EnJOY time with them.

At some point during this window, we eat dinner. Part of me imagines dinner a little like a Norman Rockwell painting where we relax, eat and enjoyably wind down together. More often than not, dinner is full of spills, disagreements on who's sitting where, food-eating protests and opinions of all kinds.

In lieu of throwing in the towel, I feel a deep responsibility to continue family dinners. Even if they aren't perfect or tidy (thank goodness for vacuums!).

Because I recognize the value within family dinner. Studies over the past 15 years have shown that family dinner is good for the spirit, mind and overall health of all family members. Regular family dinners are linked with lower rates of substance abuse, teen pregnancy and depression. And I love hearing that stories told around dinner help kiddos build resilience.* With consistency and time, these small and simple efforts really do add up.

A few years ago, as my oldest was a little guy, I learned that dinner as a mother is very different from previous dinners I'd had in life. Feeding a little person while trying to feed yourself resulted in a learning curve, a new perspective, and many cold meals. I began to dig deep as to how I wanted our family dinner to look. What could I create in our home to establish consistency?

1. Simplify with a plan. Eliminate the daily question of "what's for dinner?" by planning dinners ahead. I prefer a weekly plan as I've found our schedule seems to tweak and change on a weekly basis. I plan on Sunday, with a list ready for shopping on Monday. It saves money and time with less trips to the store and avoids the last minute panic. I'm able to plug in the crock-pot or quick dinners with hectic nights, and pre-prep foods to simplify dinner for another night.
2. Be consistent. I've found phrases like "a little or a lot" help give kiddos freedom while still eating something. Consistently cooking one meal for the whole family (rather than having different menus) simplifies prep, clean up and teaches my kiddos about variety. Consistently including a variety of real foods enables them to learn how to fuel their bodies. Especially with veggies. I read once it takes between 8-20 times for a child to be offered a specific food before they actually choose the food. That's crazy! Consistently involving the kiddos they are usually more appreciative and willing to actually eat dinner. They set and clear off the table, rotate choosing a meal for the week, and my older ones help with food prep. Sharing the work load lessens the burden.
3. Relax. Paper plates or a picnic outside can be so fun. Theme nights are a favorite - a fun fact from different areas of the world as we try a new food (I have curry and sushi lovers from this), tying them in with days of the week (taco tuesday!), or creating an at-home restaurant.

As much as I want my kiddos to learn that fueling our bodies with good foods is important, I want them to learn MOST that FAMILY is important. That our time with them is something we treat as a priority, not a stress, or another thing to do because we are hungry.

*research information from the familydinnerproject.org

Two weeks

Not many pics, but the time after having our baby and actually getting in the car and driving to Utah was two weeks.

So while I was trying to juggle, heal, nurse and take care of a newborn and life with three other kids (one who happened to be 2 and wasn't very thrilled with the new addition), we also had Mike leave for most of that time (thankfully his mom flew out and helped juggle!), coordinating all things moving - which was also the window of time we found out our house wasn't going to be done when we thought.  So I was packing for 2 months of 'temporary living' and shipping boxes via UPS.  With a newborn.  Oh, and there were all kinds of paperwork things and registering the kids for school, and getting them to start when I needed them to start (not when the school wanted them to start - but that's a whole different post).  And then figuring out where our 'stuff' was going to be stored since we weren't moving in when we thought.  And finishing up the final say on all the home choices - yes, it was our choice to finish building a spec home, and it did add a lot of pressure in a short period of time, but we feel like we've ended up where we need to be.  Oh, and not sleeping.  Ever.  Turns out you can't take those 'new baby naps' when people are in your home - inspections for the home sale, realtors dropping by to finalize paperwork, movers coming in to do their thing.  Yes.  So grateful for the many hands and 'jobs' people took on to get this thing in motion.  But man, it was a lot in a two week time period.

I cried.  A lot.  Because when you're a new mom, those hormones are crazy anyway.  And you're tired.  And overwhelmed as it is.  

But more than crying, I prayed.  All the time.  Prayed that things would work out how they needed to.  Prayed constantly that I'd be able to drive to the store without nodding off.  That my kids would adjust okay, and if they weren't adjusting, that I'd know what to do.  Endless prayers.

And you know what?  The Lord was with me.  Often.  In the smallest of ways.  And most often through others - who would stop by and pick up the kiddos.  Or would call with dinner.  I have tears as I type and think of the many small and numerous ways we were lifted and strengthened.  Because there's no way we could have juggled this alone.

 Hard to tell, but she spent some serious time on the counter.  It was the ONLY place I could set her down and keep her alive (anyone with a jealous/unhappy two year old and newborn can relate).  And all things baby were boxed up.  So that was a little weird too.  Instead of prepping a room, and having what we needed, it was all about eliminating everything but the absolute essentials.

 This happened many times as Mike was pulled back and forth from the end of May until the end of July.  But the kids would usually set him a spot at the dinner table.  I thought it was pretty clever.

 Yes!  I remembered to take a pic of her first bath...

 Quick, stop and enjoy the baby for a minute!

 This image ALWAYS makes me teary eyed.  Anytime I see the moving truck driving away to the 'new chapter' while I'm still standing in the 'old chapter.'

Such a sweet big sister!

The beds were taken a part a few days before we actually moved.  This was REALLY hard for this gal, and she couldn't sleep at night.  During the day - with all the people and noise in the house, I found her a couple times, asleep on the floor of her 'old room' (the room she had before the baby came), as if she was grasping for anything that felt comfortable.

And our last photo in the house!!  Our two year old embraces many of the emotions we all feel with change - not wanting it to happen!  And my two big kids were being so incredibly brave.  Grateful for the hubby and what a level head he maintained in all of this.

Checked into our hotel, and of course HAD to go to our favorite local bbq for our last dinner in Nebraska!

I think this is the only pic I took of our car trip to Utah.  It was rough with a newborn.  A little stressful as we were getting calls about our home being pushed back even more.  And windy for those bikes we were pulling behind us.  All of the above made the drive much slower than usual - we had planned to stop and stay overnight and break it into two days, which definitely helped.

And of course, I was a ball of emotions.  So much change at once, as we were driving away, I was thinking of all those I hadn't had a chance to connect with, and anxious about all the change ahead.  And did I mention I had a lot of hormones?!  It was a little crazy.  So grateful for the two big kids and the hubby who were SO positive!!

Where'd she go?

Yes, I flew off the wagon.  But, instead of staying off, I'm getting back on.  Why?  Because I love to write.  But the bigger reason?  I unpacked my printed family blog from 2008 and just absolutely loved it.  It's our family history.  I look forward to continuing to share it with my kids, and someday, their kids!

So what happened?  Well, life happened.  In short, I'm going to summarize where we've been and then I'll be posting about photos with the chronological happenings in between it all.

Mid-May Mike and I knew that his company was merging.  But, we didn't know too much else.  One week later, he was asked to fly in and out for a one-day meeting.  One week later, he accepted his new position.  One week later, he started his new job.

In a different state.

Oh, and I was 8 months prego.

Over the next six weeks we literally had a to do list that looked list this:
*List house in Omaha (that was my job).
*Sell house in Omaha (that was my job too)!
*Buy a house in Utah (that was all Mike - I'd passed the point of being able to fly out!)
*Start new job in different state.
*Have a baby.
*Move.

When we started the journey, I felt like I was kicking and screaming mentally (and physically).  While we recognized it as an awesome opportunity, I could NOT figure out why everything had to happen in a literal 6 week time period.  I felt like there was no way it was going to work.  I couldn't see into the future, and had so much frustration that I couldn't control the timing of everything on that list.

It's then that I prayed.  I asked for a lot of help.  I asked to have faith that I'd be able to maintain and sell a house on my own, while Mike set up our next chapter alone.  I prayed that he'd be in town for the baby, and that things would work out.  And that we'd move and the kids would be okay.

And, guess what?

Everything I asked for was answered.  Not right then, but the Lord was with us the whole time.  I can't even write the small details that the Lord assisted us in the process.  But I can write that I know the power of prayer is real.  That living in a way that our Heavenly Father wants us to, and then asking for help is exactly what he wants us to do.

While nothing on that list was easy, it all happened.  Things fell into place and we were able to do it all in 6 weeks.  Because we had Heaven helping us.

And yes, while everything on that list was a good thing, it was so much to bear in one short timeline.  But, as I sit at my desk on my computer in November, I look back at the summer with unbelievable gratitude.  Thankful that we were able to journey through the unknown together and come through it all.  Really grateful to all those who reached out and helped.  Makes me want to live and strive to be  a better person.

So, I'll continue to post.  If for no one else, than for my kids.  So they can learn from what we went through, and hopefully gain more in their own lives because of it.

Bugs

Nebraska has a lot of bugs.  I knew that before we moved here.  In fact, I remember when Mike and I drove out to Minnesota the very first time, I stepped out of the car in Lincoln, and couldn't get over how loud all of the secadias were.  It reminded me of Korea!

Now that we live here I'm lucky enough to hear those guys rub their wings all the time.  And, we've discovered lots of other new bugs.  Like a hummingbird moth.  Or a black hornet.  And, rediscovered lots of bugs that we've always known about, but are twice the size here thanks to the climate.  

But, my favorite is the tomato worm.  We had a lot of tomatoes this year.  I can't even count how many bowls we picked that looked like these below.

Recently, I was ripping out the plants (we were done for the season!) and came across the LARGEST CATERPILLAR EVER.  I showed it to Max as soon as I found it, and he ran and grabbed a container from inside.  It was a big plastic container, perfect for him to hold and inspect the worm as much as he wanted.  And, he didn't have a lid - which was no big deal since he wanted to pick him up a bunch anyway.  Upon closer study, we found out it was a tomato worm.  Easily two adult finger lengths long, an inch in diameter and a long red horn just ready for poking another tomato.  A whole bunch of my tomatoes were scarred on the outside thanks to this guy.  

Max was studying insects at school and was so excited to take this guy in to show his class.  I was too - we'd never seen one so big!  He played with it outside, and I went back to my project.

One thing led to another, and Mike had to leave for a meeting, and we seriously needed some groceries.  Hastily, I packed the kids in the car and we zipped off for a quick trip to the store.  As we were leaving Max said, "what about the tomato worm?  remember we were going to put it in a different container?"  I was in a rush, really wanted to get this mom stuff done, and said, "oh, don't worry, we can do it when we get back.  He'll be just fine."  The back of my mind reminded me that the worm didn't have a lid on, but I figured it was way too deep for him to get out.

Arriving home from the grocery store, Max bolted out of the car to check on this tomato worm.  Only to find that it was gone.  G.O.N.E.  He was heartbroken.

And I was heartbroken.

We looked everywhere, only to discover he was G.O.N.E.

Max was so heartbroken about it, and I tried to stay positive, like clearly he's doing something somewhere that is better.  We created scenarios that were like this:

*A bird swooped down and ate him.

*A bunny hopped over and ate him.

*The wind whisked the container and he flew to find his family.

But the real truth (which I suspected) and was later confirmed, came down to the curiosity of other young kiddos who'd witnessed the catch earlier in the day.  

My heart sank.  If I'd only taken a bit more time to put the tomato worm in a better spot for Max, I could have avoided this completely.

Max said many prayers like this, "and please let me find the tomato worm so I can take it back to school to show my class."  or "please bless the tomato worm to find our house again."

Ouch.  The plants were ripped out, the worm was GONE and I felt like such a bad guy.

A few days went by and as kids do so well, Max moved on.

About two weeks later, Max had the day off of school.  Alexis is actually on a different calander, so she still had preschool.  I'd toyed with all kinds of things we were going to do, but since Tayler and I were battling a cold, a day at home seemed like the best choice.

Driving home from dropping Alexis off at school, I drove on a road that I run tracks onto.  I can't even tell you how many times I drive on this road in our neighborhood.  To one side is houses, and to the other is mostly an open field (with a handful of lots that have yet to be built on).  

Staring at the road ahead I saw it.  A tomato worm crossing the street right in front of me!  

I pulled the car over, we grabbed a water bottle (I knew I had water bottles in my car for good reason!), and stuck him inside.

Max was delighted!  So excited to bring him to school the next day.

Back on the same road a couple hours later, I spotted ANOTHER tomato worm, crossing just as the other one had!  Giant!  We snagged him up and added him in with his friend.

Two tomato worms found with Max on a road that I travel on all the time.  I've never seen a tomato worm before or after that day, and I know it was an answer to his prayers.  The odds of us seeing those worms (and not just running them over), coupled with the odds of Max actually being in the car with me at that time, added to the oddness of finding them in the middle of the road was no coincidence.

Sometimes the greatest reminders that prayers are answered are in the small moments of life.   Or as well stated in a talk written by David Bednar, the tender mercies from the Lord.  

I'm so grateful we had one of them that day.

What a Day

I have to think that every parent has that moment where they realize they've just done something stupid. That point where they think hindsight is everything. Sometimes these things become the topic of co-workers conversations for the next few days, sometimes they end up as a family story that gets retold for years, sometimes they end up on the local news, where others watch and think "what were they thinking?" Well, my moment came this morning.

While I'd love to blame this on complete sleep deprivation; (while Alexis is probably the sweetest, most calm baby I've ever seen, she's got some sinus congestion, mainly due to her spit up coming out the nose rather than the mouth, and now she has this weird eye discharge) - last night's sleep total was broken into about 3 45 minute chunks as my little cutie just couldn't lay down to breathe; but I probably have to admit, this act was just plain thoughtless.

I had just finished calling the Dr. and setting up an appt. to take cute Alexis. Maxman was in the family room watching WALLE. Alexis had finally stopped crying and was on my bed. It was then that I realized that Kermit was giving me that look. Well, it was past the look, he had gotten to the point where he'd run ahead and stop in my tracks so that I'd actually trip over him, need to go to the bathroom.

Thinking all was safe for a few moments, I went to let Kermit outside. At this point, we don't have a fenced in yard, so letting Kermit out requires that you watch him at all times. And, my next door neighbors had some people outside doing some work for them, so I had to take kermit out on his leash.

Leaving the door completely open, I took one, two, three, four steps out to the nearest bush. I had enough time to look up and notice the surprisingly warm weather when I hear from behind, thump, thump, thump, thump slam! click!

Mentally, my mind took a long pause. Then, shoot. He figured it out. He just shut the door (until now, he has ALWAYS walked outside with me). Another long pause. That click must have been the deadbolt. Another long pause. My two kids are in there and I'm out here. Another long pause. Shit.

Knowing that panic would not do any good, I called for Max (who was laughing like crazy) through the glass. The next ten minutes were spent trying to explain to Max that he needed to go get his stepstool from the bathroom (which he did) and push the deadbolt to open it (which he didn't). Instead, he'd bring me pictures that he'd drawn and hold them up to the window. "Does it sound like I'm asking to see his artwork?" I kept thinking to myself. Many times he'd just leave just when I thought we were getting somewhere - it must have been a good part on WALLE. So, I'd ring the doorbell until he came back. One time, he came back, covering his ears, and saying "so loud, mama". Exactly. Max, that's why I'm doing it.

Probably from the shouting/panic intensifying in my voice, the guys who were outside came over and asked if I needed some help. While they didn't speak much english, they quickly figured out what my problem was and were so nice in trying to help me figure out another way into the house. After a few more minutes had passed with me trying to explain things to Max, I realized that my 1000 prayers may not be answered and I might just have to figure out which window would be best to break. So, I walked the house with these guys, who I'm sure were having a good laugh, but were doing their best to really try to help me out.

Then, as if it all clicked in my little guys head, I heard the door open. YES! I don't have to explain the broken window to my husband, and I don't have to call the fire dept. and get on the local news!

Max ran out saying "I did it!" and smiling from ear to ear. Since I knew the guys couldn't hear me, we went to the side of the house they were on, and once they saw Max, they started cheering and clapping for him. Which, Max thought was pretty cool.

Big thanks to the big guy upstairs for answering those prayers. Thanks to the guys who were so helpful, and kept any and all jokes/comments about the crazy blonde lady who locks her kids in the house in Spanish so I couldn't understand them. And, thanks to Max, who I knew would be able to figure out how to unlock the door.

Note to hubby: next trip to store we need to pick up a few things.

Sidenote: Miss Alexis has a blocked tear duct, due to a congested nose, which the doc gave me some eye drops for. Most likely her congestion is from all the spit up, but could be a little cold. Either way, she should be getting better soon.