To my future self, or our children, or our grandchildren who will at some point in life experience change through moving:
I get it.
When I hear the word "move" and think of the changes surrounding it, my initial reaction is a throat-closing-off-heart-pounding-out-of-my-chest sensation. Even after moving to four different states in an eight year time period. Or wait. Maybe it's because of the four moves to four states in eight years those feelings come to mind.
While the reasons for moves are as different as the brush strokes on a canvas, remember the purpose of your path. Keep your perspective broad and remember we are here on earth to learn and grow. If the opportunity has arrived for you to learn and grow through moving, embrace it. Hold tight to it.
Choose to trust.
You might be moving five minutes from where you currently live. You may be moving to a place you've never been to, where you don't know anyone and where you can't even figure out which way is North.
Choose to trust. North is always constant. You'll find it again.
And remember, there is good everywhere if you choose to find it. If you choose to discover it. If you choose to proactively allow yourself to embrace it.
You might feel worried or guilty or fearful that changing through moving will bring added stress/worry/discomfort to your children. It probably will. Maybe they will feel anxious or depressed. They might lose confidence in themselves. But this is nothing to feel guilty, worried or fearful about. Trust the process. Let them wobble in unsure ground and give them space to dig deeper into their roots. To learn their true identity isn't made by friends or accomplishments but in knowing that God, their Father, loves them - no matter what, and has not forgotten them. Let them soak in the satisfaction of truly understanding resilience. Of working through the struggle while climbing the mountain. Let them climb.
You might have moments where you question why. Or you look back and remember how comfortable life was. You may even run scenarios of trying to rewind or undo the change. Give yourself permission to have a bad day, to talk out those thoughts, and to validate yourself back into truth. Back into your purpose. Back into trust. Sometimes you'll be able to do this on your own. And sometimes you'll need the help of someone who can lift you where you stand. It may be a spouse, a parent, a friend who has moved and understands the journey. It may be a professional - a person trained with the tools to help reframe mental thoughts back into truth. Trust that while the past has brought you to where you are today, it is who you become with the present that matters most.
The moving process will probably give you an opportunity for a clean slate and a fresh start. Take advantage. It may mean letting go of things/items that can serve a purpose with others before you leave. Be prayerful and the Lord will guide you. Remember that no matter the current home, or goods you own, they will never bring you the joy and satisfaction that comes from learning and growing through trust in God.
In your new area, you may feel lonely at times. You may yearn for old connections and friendships. There are so many tools out there to keep you connected - use them to fuel you, but don't rely on them. No technology will replace the growth that will come from face to face connections you will make with those that surround you. Give that loneliness to God. Because while you may feel lonely, you are never alone. Pray for ways to be proactive and ideas to get to know those around you. Then go and do them. Stepping out of your comfort zone may be a big challenge for you, but it will probably become one of the most rewarding. Trust those ideas of connection as they come to you.
You may be starting new job or supporting a spouse or parent who is starting a new job. It may be hard. There may be unforeseen challenges. There may also be unforeseen opportunities. Encourage them. Lift them. You will always be stronger together. And remember, you're on the same team.
You may need to let go of things that no longer serve you, and moving may instigate this change. Let go of the resistance and trying to hold onto old ways, and become curious. It may begin a learning journey for new routines in every day life that you may have never considered had you stayed comfortable. Allow yourself to be molded into who He desires you to be.
You may need to let go. Of work. Of volunteer commitments. Of a whole list of things you once identified yourself with. And that's okay. Remember that all of those things had purpose in the present, and it's okay to give yourself permission to embrace new chapters. As you lean into the new, unseen opportunities and understanding about your true identity as a Child of God will become more clear.
Remember the small and simple tools of connection with God. Pray, study the scriptures and obey His words to the best of your ability. Begin a daily habit of the small and simple if you have not yet. It will be a strength to you, it will open the path for you to know His will for you more directly, and it will remind you that through His strength, we can do all things.
One day, you'll walk around your house, and it will feel like home. It most likely won't happen until you've put your heart into the place - cleaning, organizing, unpacking and hanging things with meaning on your walls - but it will happen. The day will come that you unconsciously turn on a light switch - one that you couldn't find on the wall initially. You'll no longer run into doors or walls during the middle of the night. You'll hear a sound and know exactly where it's coming from. But beyond any of the things you place in the house, the feelings of "home" will come from the memories you choose to create within its walls. Be consistent with those simple moments that will bring connection and peace to you.
You may experience a burning desire to explore. In ways you never felt before. Trust those feelings and to the best of your ability - with your commitments, time and finances, explore. It could be as simple as a Saturday afternoon adventure, or an overnight camping experience. It may mean a mini-vacation. As you explore, you may find a burning desire to learn the cultures and traditions of where you live. Take the time to learn them. The more you learn about where you are, the more you'll see the beauty in those who surround you. It may increase your desire to learn more about who you are. Study that. Embrace it.
One day you'll be driving in what was a new area, and will realize that you are able to navigate your way without the help of any digital assistance. Soak in this achievement. Celebrate it. Congratulate yourself on every destination you are able to reach with confidence.
Sometimes, you may look up to the sky and see clouds. The weather patterns and skyline may feel unfamiliar to you. Take time to learn these new patterns. And remember that no matter the clouds, the sun is always shining. It is always constant.
Grow the good. In your home. In your heart. In those you come in contact with each and every day.
Look up as you are in every day life. Look out to those who you can be mindful of and serve in small and simple ways.
Be patient with yourself. Do the things that fill you up. Maybe that's connecting with nature, going for walks and talking, exercising, deepening your meditation, prayer and scripture studying, developing a new hobby, or sitting down on the floor and playing with young children.
And above all, cultivate gratitude. Begin each and every day with a prayer of gratitude for the journey as it is unfolding. And end each day focusing on the specific ways God has been mindful of you.
Because he is.
His love for you is abundant.
Simply choose to trust.
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Saturday, August 11, 2018
Monday, May 16, 2011
The Jar
Has been a success! Completely motivated by a visual rock-in-the-jar reward system. We made a photo list of one-on-one date options (bike ride, trip to a new park, trip to redbox, etc.). He (of course) picked the one he thought up first - a trip to MOA LegoLand. Once the jar filled up, he and Mike headed on their adventure.
Picked up some lunch:
On his way to the store:
The decision:
So funny. And while there are still some bumps in the road here and there, he's definitely figuring out that if he does his part, the jar fills up quicker. Now I just need to find a bigger jar...
Picked up some lunch:
On his way to the store:
The decision:
So funny. And while there are still some bumps in the road here and there, he's definitely figuring out that if he does his part, the jar fills up quicker. Now I just need to find a bigger jar...
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Our Month
"Oh, man." I say again as I pull into the driveway to pick up my little people from a play date.
Alexis comes running, smiling and happy (as always). Looking at Max, I already know what has happened. Red faced, hands in pockets, bright red ears, runny nose and hiccupy breath. That's my boy every time I pick him up from pretty much anything these days. At this moment, I'm having more flashbacks to the time he was 2, turning 3, and his severe anxiety of wind. For details, there are snippets in this post and this post. But today's memory I flashed back to was actually never posted.
We were a good month into the fear-of-the-wind stage. It was June, 2009 and we were headed over to our neighborhood elders quorum BBQ that Mike was in charge of. He had arrived early to set up, so I showed up a bit later with the two little people. Mike was cooking and grilling for most of the night, and Max was happy running around with the kiddos. Until he realized there was food. Until a summer breeze shifted some of the napkins. Until he realized we could all potentially lose everything in sight to the wind. I still have vivid memories of him crawling underneath the park pavilion tables crying to all that would hear that everything was going to blow away. I still remember him clutching onto everything he could grasp in sight - not only his plate, cup, napkin and food, but everything else he could get to as well - purses, car seats, anyone's food, drinks, plates - he was trying to hold everything. He was so stressed out in fact, that my yoga-inspired techniques of deep breathing were completely ineffective. I still remember being so stressed and feeling so frustrated. Needless to say, we headed home early - probably a good thing, shortly after we'd left, the storm really picked up with actual winds and rain for the night. I still remember my sweet neighbor looking at me and just laughing (yes, Kathy), saying, "Sara, someday you will look back at this and just laugh and laugh." She was right. After about a month, Max got over it, and I now think back on that once stressful BBQ night and laugh.
Well, I've arrived at another one of those times where I have to keep reminding myself that someday I will look back at this and laugh. Except the month is coming and now going.
This time, he's developed a fear that I won't return. Not the typical separation anxiety that kids have right at the moment mom or dad leaves them. This one is delayed. Not a set amount of time, but at some point his mind registers that I have been gone for "awhile" and should be back by "now." And since I'm not back "now" then, the only conclusion is that I have left him forever, never to return. He then panics, cries (almost) to the point of throwing up (although I think we're getting pretty close to where he's actually going to make himself throw up), and asks the adult in charge (teacher, parent, whoever) to go get me as soon as possible.
Sometimes they can, and they do. Like at church, when Mike and I are in the middle of teaching our lessons at the same time. Or, a phone call, to come pick up my little man from a play date that he was supposed to be at for another 1/2 hour while I'm supposed to be catching up on errands.
But, sometimes, they really can't (or shouldn't). Like when he's in preschool with a class full of kids. Or when I'm in the middle of teaching a class at the gym.
And when those times come, I'm really grateful for their patience. Because I think they get it. They know, even though I have serious doubts, that he will figure this out. Get over it. Move on. And realize that, yes, I will come back to get him.
Here's where I insert the story of how I left him one time, or forgot to pick him up from something, or where he had this traumatic experience and thought he was stranded on the curbside, completely alone without food or water.
Oh, wait. There actually isn't one. For some reason his mind has created this very real anxiety that when I leave him (and once I've been gone for an extended period of time), that I really won't be back. Never. He will forever have to survive and live at his at school, at the gym, at church, or at his friends house (which, in some cases probably wouldn't be that bad!).
He's had this a little over a month. While I don't think I can say that I've tried everything, I can say we've tried A LOT. Mostly from recommendations from other moms who've had kids with separation anxiety of some sort. And, I have to admit. He has improved in some situations. Like during most of preschool - when his mind is constantly stimulated and busy, he's good. But then they switch to a few moments of free play and he starts to wonder. Thankfully, his teachers know this, and are able to step in and keep his mind busy on a different project while the other kids play. But anytime that he's in a situation of "free play" - a play date with another kid, spending time at the gym, a moment of down time anywhere, he's a goner.
So, I'm using this post as a vent. To write, read and laugh (a little) about everything I've tried thus far. Who knows, maybe someone will read this and have another idea. I'll try (just about) anything.
1. Cut out a heart and put it in his pocket. Did this one. Idea that "mom is always with you." Similar to the story The Kissing Hand (we tried the kisses on the hands, but thought a heart would be more tangible). When I picked him up from teaching a class, he pulled the heart out of his pocket and in tears said, "mom, the heart didn't work! It's just a piece of paper! It's not really you!" Right bud. Here's where you should use that vivid imagination you have.
2. Wear a watch. Write and show him at what time I'll be back. This one worked for the first 1/2 hour. Then, he decided that time was moving much too slowly. Panicked that his watch was broken and he would no longer be able to tell when I would be back. Sat and stared at watch for about 5 minutes. Convinced time was not working correctly had a full on panic that I was never to return.
3. Wear a sticker (similar to the heart). Whenever you see the sticker, remember that you're holding onto it for mom and she'll get it when she comes back. Yeah, right.
4. Ignore it. Yep. I've tried this one. Calm cool energy, no discussion prior or after to try to avoid the attention it is getting. Didn't work.
5. Deep breathing. Yep. I'd say he's a pro by now with the deep breathing process. But, since I'm not around when it all happens, he doesn't want to or remember to do it early enough.
6. When he's calm, have a discussion about why moms and dads pick up their kids. This was actually a great discussion. We had yet another conversation with his preschool teacher about what would happen if mom was a little late. What he and the other kids would do, and what all kids do. It actually went really well. Days later, he could even reference and talk about it as if he had complete understanding. All rational behavior and thoughts though are lost when this kicks in.
7. Stop and say a prayer when you start to feel sad or worried. Tried that one. Tough thing is that he usually doesn't remember until he's really upset, so then he can't calm down anyway.
8. Distraction. Thankfully, since this all happens while I'm not around, there are some really kind and patient people who really are trying their best to help Max out. All kinds of distraction techniques are used. Some work for a bit, some not at all. He's even had tours at the gym to see where all of the "hidden" toys are if he wants to play something different.
9. Practice time. We've done this a few different ways, but it's to help him understand what "10 more minutes" would feel like via setting a timer and then by seeing the time disappear. Kind of okay, except that he gets really fixated on it (similar to the watch), and then begins to worry when I'm not around.
10. Sing a song while I'm gone. He actually made up the song himself. "my mom always comes back, my mom always comes back, my mom always comes back, all day long." Song worked. But then forgot the lyrics and couldn't make up new ones. Since I'm talking about songs. He has a such tender heart. Last Sunday, he was actually doing really well. Finally! I thought to myself as we were approaching the last portion of church and I hadn't heard from his teacher. Until the primary started practicing the songs for Mothers Day. "Mother, I love you, mother I do" were the lyrics Max sang, as tears started to stream down his face, then thinking about how much he missed me. Tears turned into the red faced-upset little man so they came and got me. In the hallway, Max gave me a big hug. I asked him what happened and he said, "mom, we were singing about you, and I couldn't remember where you were and I started to get really sad just thinking about you, so I wanted to see you and give you a hug." Hug gladly accepted.
11. Reward (okay bribe). I gave him a set number of times for "good happy Max." If he did this for a certain number of times, he earned a trip to the dollar store. He did this perfect - twice. Then tried to negotiate that he should only be good if he could go to the dollar store after every single time. I'm wouldn't give in to his terms and the deal was off as quickly as it had been on. I didn't feel too terrible - I hate all of the Chinese plastic that seems to multiply and take over the house!
Next steps? I'm actually going back to the reward system. It's the only one that's shown some type of success. This time, he'll be filling a jar with rocks for "good behavior when he's away from mom." Once the jar is full, a one-on-one date with mom or dad, of his choice.
And time. Because sometimes that is just what it takes. We have a doc appt. set up relatively soon, so maybe that'll provide some extra information too.
And, I think it's becoming a bit of a habit for him. Now it's just about breaking the habit. Although I'd like to attribute it all to the fact that I really am that awesome and cool, I know it's not the case.
I'm actually amazed if anyone has read this long into the post. But, if you have and can actually offer thoughts, suggestions, comments, I'd love any. Don't be shy.
Alexis comes running, smiling and happy (as always). Looking at Max, I already know what has happened. Red faced, hands in pockets, bright red ears, runny nose and hiccupy breath. That's my boy every time I pick him up from pretty much anything these days. At this moment, I'm having more flashbacks to the time he was 2, turning 3, and his severe anxiety of wind. For details, there are snippets in this post and this post. But today's memory I flashed back to was actually never posted.
We were a good month into the fear-of-the-wind stage. It was June, 2009 and we were headed over to our neighborhood elders quorum BBQ that Mike was in charge of. He had arrived early to set up, so I showed up a bit later with the two little people. Mike was cooking and grilling for most of the night, and Max was happy running around with the kiddos. Until he realized there was food. Until a summer breeze shifted some of the napkins. Until he realized we could all potentially lose everything in sight to the wind. I still have vivid memories of him crawling underneath the park pavilion tables crying to all that would hear that everything was going to blow away. I still remember him clutching onto everything he could grasp in sight - not only his plate, cup, napkin and food, but everything else he could get to as well - purses, car seats, anyone's food, drinks, plates - he was trying to hold everything. He was so stressed out in fact, that my yoga-inspired techniques of deep breathing were completely ineffective. I still remember being so stressed and feeling so frustrated. Needless to say, we headed home early - probably a good thing, shortly after we'd left, the storm really picked up with actual winds and rain for the night. I still remember my sweet neighbor looking at me and just laughing (yes, Kathy), saying, "Sara, someday you will look back at this and just laugh and laugh." She was right. After about a month, Max got over it, and I now think back on that once stressful BBQ night and laugh.
Well, I've arrived at another one of those times where I have to keep reminding myself that someday I will look back at this and laugh. Except the month is coming and now going.
This time, he's developed a fear that I won't return. Not the typical separation anxiety that kids have right at the moment mom or dad leaves them. This one is delayed. Not a set amount of time, but at some point his mind registers that I have been gone for "awhile" and should be back by "now." And since I'm not back "now" then, the only conclusion is that I have left him forever, never to return. He then panics, cries (almost) to the point of throwing up (although I think we're getting pretty close to where he's actually going to make himself throw up), and asks the adult in charge (teacher, parent, whoever) to go get me as soon as possible.
Sometimes they can, and they do. Like at church, when Mike and I are in the middle of teaching our lessons at the same time. Or, a phone call, to come pick up my little man from a play date that he was supposed to be at for another 1/2 hour while I'm supposed to be catching up on errands.
But, sometimes, they really can't (or shouldn't). Like when he's in preschool with a class full of kids. Or when I'm in the middle of teaching a class at the gym.
And when those times come, I'm really grateful for their patience. Because I think they get it. They know, even though I have serious doubts, that he will figure this out. Get over it. Move on. And realize that, yes, I will come back to get him.
Here's where I insert the story of how I left him one time, or forgot to pick him up from something, or where he had this traumatic experience and thought he was stranded on the curbside, completely alone without food or water.
Oh, wait. There actually isn't one. For some reason his mind has created this very real anxiety that when I leave him (and once I've been gone for an extended period of time), that I really won't be back. Never. He will forever have to survive and live at his at school, at the gym, at church, or at his friends house (which, in some cases probably wouldn't be that bad!).
He's had this a little over a month. While I don't think I can say that I've tried everything, I can say we've tried A LOT. Mostly from recommendations from other moms who've had kids with separation anxiety of some sort. And, I have to admit. He has improved in some situations. Like during most of preschool - when his mind is constantly stimulated and busy, he's good. But then they switch to a few moments of free play and he starts to wonder. Thankfully, his teachers know this, and are able to step in and keep his mind busy on a different project while the other kids play. But anytime that he's in a situation of "free play" - a play date with another kid, spending time at the gym, a moment of down time anywhere, he's a goner.
So, I'm using this post as a vent. To write, read and laugh (a little) about everything I've tried thus far. Who knows, maybe someone will read this and have another idea. I'll try (just about) anything.
1. Cut out a heart and put it in his pocket. Did this one. Idea that "mom is always with you." Similar to the story The Kissing Hand (we tried the kisses on the hands, but thought a heart would be more tangible). When I picked him up from teaching a class, he pulled the heart out of his pocket and in tears said, "mom, the heart didn't work! It's just a piece of paper! It's not really you!" Right bud. Here's where you should use that vivid imagination you have.
2. Wear a watch. Write and show him at what time I'll be back. This one worked for the first 1/2 hour. Then, he decided that time was moving much too slowly. Panicked that his watch was broken and he would no longer be able to tell when I would be back. Sat and stared at watch for about 5 minutes. Convinced time was not working correctly had a full on panic that I was never to return.
3. Wear a sticker (similar to the heart). Whenever you see the sticker, remember that you're holding onto it for mom and she'll get it when she comes back. Yeah, right.
4. Ignore it. Yep. I've tried this one. Calm cool energy, no discussion prior or after to try to avoid the attention it is getting. Didn't work.
5. Deep breathing. Yep. I'd say he's a pro by now with the deep breathing process. But, since I'm not around when it all happens, he doesn't want to or remember to do it early enough.
6. When he's calm, have a discussion about why moms and dads pick up their kids. This was actually a great discussion. We had yet another conversation with his preschool teacher about what would happen if mom was a little late. What he and the other kids would do, and what all kids do. It actually went really well. Days later, he could even reference and talk about it as if he had complete understanding. All rational behavior and thoughts though are lost when this kicks in.
7. Stop and say a prayer when you start to feel sad or worried. Tried that one. Tough thing is that he usually doesn't remember until he's really upset, so then he can't calm down anyway.
8. Distraction. Thankfully, since this all happens while I'm not around, there are some really kind and patient people who really are trying their best to help Max out. All kinds of distraction techniques are used. Some work for a bit, some not at all. He's even had tours at the gym to see where all of the "hidden" toys are if he wants to play something different.
9. Practice time. We've done this a few different ways, but it's to help him understand what "10 more minutes" would feel like via setting a timer and then by seeing the time disappear. Kind of okay, except that he gets really fixated on it (similar to the watch), and then begins to worry when I'm not around.
10. Sing a song while I'm gone. He actually made up the song himself. "my mom always comes back, my mom always comes back, my mom always comes back, all day long." Song worked. But then forgot the lyrics and couldn't make up new ones. Since I'm talking about songs. He has a such tender heart. Last Sunday, he was actually doing really well. Finally! I thought to myself as we were approaching the last portion of church and I hadn't heard from his teacher. Until the primary started practicing the songs for Mothers Day. "Mother, I love you, mother I do" were the lyrics Max sang, as tears started to stream down his face, then thinking about how much he missed me. Tears turned into the red faced-upset little man so they came and got me. In the hallway, Max gave me a big hug. I asked him what happened and he said, "mom, we were singing about you, and I couldn't remember where you were and I started to get really sad just thinking about you, so I wanted to see you and give you a hug." Hug gladly accepted.
11. Reward (okay bribe). I gave him a set number of times for "good happy Max." If he did this for a certain number of times, he earned a trip to the dollar store. He did this perfect - twice. Then tried to negotiate that he should only be good if he could go to the dollar store after every single time. I'm wouldn't give in to his terms and the deal was off as quickly as it had been on. I didn't feel too terrible - I hate all of the Chinese plastic that seems to multiply and take over the house!
Next steps? I'm actually going back to the reward system. It's the only one that's shown some type of success. This time, he'll be filling a jar with rocks for "good behavior when he's away from mom." Once the jar is full, a one-on-one date with mom or dad, of his choice.
And time. Because sometimes that is just what it takes. We have a doc appt. set up relatively soon, so maybe that'll provide some extra information too.
And, I think it's becoming a bit of a habit for him. Now it's just about breaking the habit. Although I'd like to attribute it all to the fact that I really am that awesome and cool, I know it's not the case.
I'm actually amazed if anyone has read this long into the post. But, if you have and can actually offer thoughts, suggestions, comments, I'd love any. Don't be shy.
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