Sunday Thoughts: Summit Moments

"You cannot stay on the summit forever; you have to come down again. So why bother in the first place? Just this: what is above knows what is below, but what is below does not know what is above. One climbs, one sees. One descends, one sees no longer, but one has seen. There is an art of conducting oneself in the lower regions by the memory of what one saw higher up. When one can no longer see, one can at least still know." - Rene Daumal

Sometimes you find a quote and it jumps into your heart. I've probably read this one 100 times since I found it at the beginning of the year. Each time it connects and grounds me back to a mindset of perspective. I find myself pondering "summits" in our life as a family and how grateful we have been for every one of those experiences. How impossible they looked when standing at the bottom of the mountain, overwhelmed with even the idea of getting to the top, but simply having enough trust in God to take the first step. And then another. And then another.

Reaching those summit moments came as we often carried fear, doubt, or worry, along with us. But we also carried trust, peace, resiliency and hope. Soaking in the moments to look around - to Be Still and Know. And step by step, little by little, those summit moments have come. They are so beautiful.

Sunday Thoughts: President Nelson's Invitation to Read the Book of Mormon

When Alexis and I drove home after listening to an awesome Women's Conference in October, one of the first things we talk about was the four invitations President Nelson gave to the sisters.

"Mom, when President Nelson invited sisters to read the Book of Mormon between now and the end of the year, do you think he just meant grown ups?"

I saw the question in her mind - the spark of light had been ignited. And I knew she was capable. So we made a decision in the car that night. We'd both do it. Start to finish by the end of the year.

And today, on December 30th, we both finished.

I'd like to write a few things I learned personally from this journey since October:

1. Having been asked to not only read the Book of Mormon but to mark each mention of Christ, I was reminded time and time again of His words, His light and His truth. Beautiful.

2. Ministering is inspired. For me, this was the first time the word MINISTER has jumped out of the pages to me. I loved reading the stories and learning from the examples of true ministering. All centered in LOVE and centered in Christ. Most often, ministering happened 1:1. Loved pondering not only those who ministered one another, but the angels who ministered was a tender reminder to me that the Lord's Holy work is unchanging and these things are happening all around us today. I found a greater awareness of seeing people in all settings ministering to one another in small ways in every day life. Seeing this was so inspiring and I strive to continually deepen this awareness and seek opportunities to minster in small and simple ways.

3. I felt greater feelings of peace, joy and love in my every day life. Circumstances haven't changed, but I absolutely feel, trust and know that the Lord knows and will continue to direct us and give us strength in ALL THINGS.

4. I have a greater appreciation and gratitude for Joseph Smith and his wife Emma. At the same time I read the Book of Mormon, I also read the book Saints. What a reminder of the constant turmoil they were in as they encountered so much resistance and what faith and courage they had to keep moving forward. I am so grateful for their sacrifice. I am so grateful for the sacrifice and resilience of the pioneers, some of whom are my ancestors. Their stories help me remember that to be deeply rooted in something takes effort, resilience and the courage to keep moving forward. I strive to honor them.

5. I've noticed a deeper love and connection to nature these last couple of months. And while I've always felt that connection, it has definitely deepened in conjunction with this invitation. I believe that God can speak to us through His creation, and nature seems to share so much wisdom in being still, looking upward, trusting, working, continually changing and growing with intention. There have been many moments that have opened my mind and heart to receive specific inspiration.

6. Another word that really spoke to me was SERVE. There are so many inspired words in the Book of Mormon centered on service. I can't think of a better way to magnify oneself, to get outside of one's own worries, or to feel more abundant joy than through serving others. Each time we have moved, our greatest connection - to ourselves, as a family, and in our neighborhood and church congregation has happened as we've stepped outside of ourselves and stepped into service. Reading SERVE in the Book of Mormon was yet another reminder that service is love in action. In any way. I need those continual reminders to step outside of "me" and into others.

7. REMEMBER was another word that really jumped out to me. With constant noise and distraction, I feel remembering who we are, where we came from and who we are meant to become is essential and gives peace, hope and light.

8. I was reminded (again and again) that I don't need to have all the answers. I don't need to know the "how." I don't need to have everything planned and mapped out and that's totally okay. What I do need (and I need this in things big and small) is to trust the Lord, and trust that He knows, He's already figured out the "how" and it's my job to just keep acting on the good thoughts, showing my love to him through keeping his covenants, and using his grace each and every day. Because things will work out.

I asked Alexis to share some of her thoughts with what she learned from the Book of Mormon and here's what she said:

I liked that you really can read the Book of Mormon as many times as you like. I like having the invitation. This gave me a challenge to really read it every day, and spend time on something that is important to me. I learned that it doesn't matter what age you are, you can just pick it up and read it. I felt the spirit every time I read it and I had better days. I noticed that I was happier each day. I noticed some really good scriptures in there that I want to memorize! I really liked waking up early in the mornings to read it. I liked that time that it wasn't noisy because I could read and think about what I was reading. I think my mom is an amazing example of how she reads every morning because it made me want to read the book of mormon too. She's always so happy and I wanted to be happy like her. Now that I've finished, I feel SO GOOD that I did it. In the beginning, it was SO HARD because I thought it was so much, but then, after awhile, I realized I made it half way and that I could keep going. I loved the idea when President Nelson said to mark any mention of Christ. In the beginning I forgot about it, but then my mom told me how she had been marking it, and I remembered I wanted to do it too. There was so much in there about Christ. I love reading about him and every time I read about him I feel warm and happy. I know God answers my prayers.

My heart is so full of peace and joy over this whole experience. I know she's going to look back and always remember that she finished something that felt hard. She wrote the part above about me being an example for her, but the real truth is, she's the example for me.

Sunday Thoughts: Behold Your Little Ones

This morning, as I was reading the words of Christ in the scriptures, I read the phrase "Behold Your Little Ones." And couldn't help but feel like my heart was about to explode. A handful of experiences over these last few weeks have reminded me over and over that these little ones are so capable. Their light is so needed in this world. And as much as I think they need things a certain way, I often learn how much more they can handle, how ready they are to be stretched, and how they truly know how to serve and connect with others. 

One of those moments happened a few Sunday mornings ago.

I could hear her footsteps as she came down the stairs. Eager and excited for Sunday, she kept her typical routine of being the first one awake. She entered the kitchen with her beaming smile and energy, ready to take on the day. But first, breakfast.

Since it was the first Sunday of the month, I was fasting, and reminded her that I'd be happy to get her something to eat, but that her older brother and sister had joined the fasting club for the month.

We started Fasting Club when Max was big enough to start learning the principle of fasting - I had read about it from another deliberate mother a few months prior, and recalled it from my mind on a whim one morning as I was grumbling to myself about all the food I needed to get out for the girls, while simultaneously watching a boy who looked about as sad as could be as he entered the kitchen. I didn't want a spirit of sadness surrounding this principle, and realized that both he and I could use a little "fun" in the process. "Bud," I said, "Do you want to be in the Fasting Club with dad and I?" The light in his eyes - excitement, energy and enthusiasm to do something his sisters wouldn't yet be part of was enough to shift his energy from sad to excited. "Yes!" He jumped as he said the words. 

And so it began. I didn't really even know what our "club" was - but soon realized it didn't need much. The "club" has evolved into a handful of simple actions - chatting about fast Sunday and a focus the night before. The morning of, I'll write a note and leave it at the stairs - a simple invitation to join the fasting club - no pressure - but a helpful reminder for them as they typically roll right into breakfast. Sometimes I'll put a specific scripture on there for them to study before getting ready, and sometimes it's more general to let them guide their own study. 

At least with the older two, entrance to the club has began right around the age of 8. I'd love to say we have grand conversations, or that we do special scripture study together, but in reality, most of what we say and do is in-between the hair-styling and car-driving on the way to church. Because in reality, I'm juggling that part solo as Mike is serving in a variety of capacities that use that window of time prior to church. I used to beat myself up that I couldn't seem to "get it together" enough to carve out time just with them to all sit together while the little ones slept or played quietly on their own (ha!), but then I realized that embracing the chaos, flowing with the mornings, giving them opportunities to strengthen their personal spirits, and then circling up together in those pockets that we had was absolutely enough.

Back to the kitchen earlier this month as Tayler came downstairs.

"Mom. I'm ready. I want to join Fasting Club today."

Surprised, I looked at her for a moment, really digesting what she'd just offered up. "You know that means no breakfast, and you wouldn't be eating until later today, right?" 

"Yep. I'm ready."

I'd love to say that in this moment I faithfully agreed with her, believing that she had the capacity to start something "big," but in honesty, I doubted. I paused, hesitated and really thought about maybe pushing her toward eating breakfast and waiting for when she was older and more "capable."

Yet, in that pause, I looked at her. She had so much light in her eyes. This girl was far more capable than was giving her credit for. She knew what she was asking to do. She'd seen it in the examples of her siblings month after month. And this daughter of God was striving. Striving to become something bigger that day. Who was I to take that from her?

So she jumped in. I let her add her signature to the paper at the top of the stairs.

Fast forward to church that morning, when she then leaned over to me and said "mom, I want to go up and bear my testimony today. Think I can do it?"

This surprised me even more than our first request. Typically, this gal is happily coloring while the speakers chat, and on fast Sunday, when members of the congregation voluntarily go up and share their thoughts on Jesus Christ.

Again I paused. Thankfully, I was reminded of the earlier internal conversation, and I again looked into her eyes and saw the eagerness and light.  As much as I wanted to say that she hadn't thought of what to say, or that she wouldn't know what to do, or that she simply wasn't "enough" the thought came to mind: Who am I to take this experience from her?

And so she went. Mike happily went up with her, and helped her get the stool so she'd be tall enough to see over the pulpit.

And then he sat down.

Her face was so full of light, genuine love, and her six-year old eyes had a look of nerves as she saw the congregation for the first time from that perspective. For a moment, I thought she'd smile, freeze up and back away, but she didn't.

With a shake in her voice, she shared sincere genuine truths about Jesus Christ, serving and loving others. 

Tears swelled in my eyes, as my heart was ready to burst.

The Spirit reminded me in these moments that my role as their mother, as much as it is full of directing, guiding, above all it is to NURTURE.

To teach them how to grow on their own.

To let them stretch beyond where they are now.

To create spaces and opportunities for them to dig into their roots, and stand strong in the winds of life.

To nourish them with love, truth and light.

These last few weeks have really reminded me how much I have to learn from them - how much I can "behold" from them - and what the gift of Christmas is truly about.

Choose to Trust

To my future self, or our children, or our grandchildren who will at some point in life experience change through moving:

I get it.

When I hear the word "move" and think of the changes surrounding it, my initial reaction is a throat-closing-off-heart-pounding-out-of-my-chest sensation. Even after moving to four different states in an eight year time period. Or wait. Maybe it's because of the four moves to four states in eight years those feelings come to mind.

While the reasons for moves are as different as the brush strokes on a canvas, remember the purpose of your path. Keep your perspective broad and remember we are here on earth to learn and grow. If the opportunity has arrived for you to learn and grow through moving, embrace it. Hold tight to it.

Choose to trust.

You might be moving five minutes from where you currently live. You may be moving to a place you've never been to, where you don't know anyone and where you can't even figure out which way is North.

Choose to trust. North is always constant. You'll find it again.

And remember, there is good everywhere if you choose to find it. If you choose to discover it. If you choose to proactively allow yourself to embrace it.

You might feel worried or guilty or fearful that changing through moving will bring added stress/worry/discomfort to your children. It probably will. Maybe they will feel anxious or depressed. They might lose confidence in themselves. But this is nothing to feel guilty, worried or fearful about. Trust the process. Let them wobble in unsure ground and give them space to dig deeper into their roots. To learn their true identity isn't made by friends or accomplishments but in knowing that God, their Father, loves them - no matter what, and has not forgotten them. Let them soak in the satisfaction of truly understanding resilience. Of working through the struggle while climbing the mountain. Let them climb.

You might have moments where you question why. Or you look back and remember how comfortable life was. You may even run scenarios of trying to rewind or undo the change. Give yourself permission to have a bad day, to talk out those thoughts, and to validate yourself back into truth. Back into your purpose. Back into trust. Sometimes you'll be able to do this on your own. And sometimes you'll need the help of someone who can lift you where you stand. It may be a spouse, a parent, a friend who has moved and understands the journey. It may be a professional - a person trained with the tools to help reframe mental thoughts back into truth. Trust that while the past has brought you to where you are today, it is who you become with the present that matters most.

The moving process will probably give you an opportunity for a clean slate and a fresh start. Take advantage. It may mean letting go of things/items that can serve a purpose with others before you leave. Be prayerful and the Lord will guide you. Remember that no matter the current home, or goods you own, they will never bring you the joy and satisfaction that comes from learning and growing through trust in God.

In your new area, you may feel lonely at times. You may yearn for old connections and friendships. There are so many tools out there to keep you connected - use them to fuel you, but don't rely on them. No technology will replace the growth that will come from face to face connections you will make with those that surround you. Give that loneliness to God. Because while you may feel lonely, you are never alone. Pray for ways to be proactive and ideas to get to know those around you. Then go and do them. Stepping out of your comfort zone may be a big challenge for you, but it will probably become one of the most rewarding. Trust those ideas of connection as they come to you.

You may be starting new job or supporting a spouse or parent who is starting a new job. It may be hard. There may be unforeseen challenges. There may also be unforeseen opportunities. Encourage them. Lift them. You will always be stronger together. And remember, you're on the same team.

You may need to let go of things that no longer serve you, and moving may instigate this change. Let go of the resistance and trying to hold onto old ways, and become curious. It may begin a learning journey for new routines in every day life that you may have never considered had you stayed comfortable. Allow yourself to be molded into who He desires you to be.

You may need to let go. Of work. Of volunteer commitments. Of a whole list of things you once identified yourself with. And that's okay. Remember that all of those things had purpose in the present, and it's okay to give yourself permission to embrace new chapters. As you lean into the new, unseen opportunities and understanding about your true identity as a Child of God will become more clear.

Remember the small and simple tools of connection with God. Pray, study the scriptures and obey His words to the best of your ability. Begin a daily habit of the small and simple if you have not yet. It will be a strength to you, it will open the path for you to know His will for you more directly, and it will remind you that through His strength, we can do all things.

One day, you'll walk around your house, and it will feel like home. It most likely won't happen until you've put your heart into the place - cleaning, organizing, unpacking and hanging things with meaning on your walls - but it will happen. The day will come that you unconsciously turn on a light switch - one that you couldn't find on the wall initially. You'll no longer run into doors or walls during the middle of the night. You'll hear a sound and know exactly where it's coming from. But beyond any of the things you place in the house, the feelings of "home" will come from the memories you choose to create within its walls. Be consistent with those simple moments that will bring connection and peace to you.

You may experience a burning desire to explore. In ways you never felt before. Trust those feelings and to the best of your ability - with your commitments, time and finances, explore. It could be as simple as a Saturday afternoon adventure, or an overnight camping experience. It may mean a mini-vacation. As you explore, you may find a burning desire to learn the cultures and traditions of where you live. Take the time to learn them. The more you learn about where you are, the more you'll see the beauty in those who surround you. It may increase your desire to learn more about who you are. Study that. Embrace it.

One day you'll be driving in what was a new area, and will realize that you are able to navigate your way without the help of any digital assistance. Soak in this achievement. Celebrate it. Congratulate yourself on every destination you are able to reach with confidence.

Sometimes, you may look up to the sky and see clouds. The weather patterns and skyline may feel unfamiliar to you. Take time to learn these new patterns. And remember that no matter the clouds, the sun is always shining. It is always constant.

Grow the good. In your home. In your heart. In those you come in contact with each and every day.

Look up as you are in every day life. Look out to those who you can be mindful of and serve in small and simple ways.

Be patient with yourself. Do the things that fill you up. Maybe that's connecting with nature, going for walks and talking, exercising, deepening your meditation, prayer and scripture studying, developing a new hobby, or sitting down on the floor and playing with young children.

And above all, cultivate gratitude. Begin each and every day with a prayer of gratitude for the journey as it is unfolding. And end each day focusing on the specific ways God has been mindful of you.

Because he is.

His love for you is abundant.

Simply choose to trust.

Sunday Thoughts - the organ

When I was 18 and beginning my freshman year of college, my parents moved into a new neighborhood and home. As I was commuting to and from college, I lived at home and attended our church congregation with them. We'd only been there a short time when the Bishop stopped by our home to extend an opportunity of service within the congregation (often referred to as a "calling"). Expecting they were coming to talk to my parents, I was surprised to hear the Bishop actually wanted to visit with me. And then even more surprised when he asked if I'd be willing to play the organ for the entire congregation for the meetings each Sunday.

I swallowed.

And then I gulped.

The idea of playing an instrument I knew very little of felt a tad overwhelming. I had gratefully learned the piano, and had learned a few key strokes on the organ from a dear Young Women's President when I was in my youth. But my parents had given our piano to a family friend when they moved, and the idea of playing the hymns in front of a couple hundred people felt like a huge mountain of weight.

But, I said yes.

Week over week, I practiced. Many times I played with the organ far too loud, but members were so kind and welcoming at being "woken up" with the sounds of the hymns at a louder volume. I made loads of mistakes, but kept trying. I began to feel myself improving.

A few months in, then Elder Nelson (a member of our church leadership - the quorum of the 12), was visiting that day. He had a grandchild - either coming home or just leaving on a mission for the church, and was attending out of support as their grandpa. One of the songs that day was "Come, Come Ye Saints." I truly loved that song, and had practiced it many times.

Yet, in the moment of the hymn, I botched it. Made loads of mistakes. I still remember the hot feeling of my face, trying to hold back hot tears and the shakiness of my hands as I struggled to finish what seemed like a never ending song.

At the close of the song, I felt a flood of emotion - frustration for not being able to do better, feeling like I wasn't capable, and feeling like I'd really never get it.

The meeting eventually ended, and as I was playing the postlude music, Elder Nelson approached me. I was so surprised that he came over - there were so many extended family members and friends that he had known for many years. He had never met me, and I was not connected to any of the celebration that day.

But he came over.  In a few words gave me confidence that I was indeed doing great and that I would continue to grow. His words were simple but his presence conveyed a feeling of love, appreciation, confidence and hope. I teared up - this time the tears were not because of feelings of inadequacy but were replaced with feelings of hope. That I was enough. That I was doing my part and that I didn't need to worry about my mistakes. That I was capable and would continue to get better as I practiced and put my trust in God.

This spring, when President Nelson stood up to share the direction of the church and allowing members to minister to one another as a form of Christ-like service, I knew that he was sharing a principle that he has practiced for many, many years.

That day, he ministered to me. He gave confidence, love and support to a woman he'd never met, didn't know her name, and when he easily could have spent his time in many other ways. But he responded to the voice of guidance in the present moment with action.

I am so grateful for his example of Christ-like service.

Just three weeks ago, I had the opportunity to sit in the same chapel that I first learned to play the organ in. It was fun to see some familiar faces, and to enjoy visiting with my parents.

But I was beyond humbled and surprised as the opening song that day was "Come, Come Ye Saints." Tears again filled my eyes, as I was reminded of that song and experience 19 years ago that happened in that very chapel.

The Lord is so mindful of us.

I felt an overwhelming abundance of love for the tender mercies that our Heavenly Father shows his love to us.

I am so grateful for the opportunity that we have to practice giving this love to others - and can often do this through being present and serving. I know that service is love in action and that it truly can come in some of the smallest and simplest of ways.

I know that we are loved abundantly by Heavenly Parents. I know that we do not need to earn this love - but that it exists for all of us. I know that Christ can heal our burdens, pains and struggles - no matter how small they may seem. I know that President Nelson is guided as a special witness of Jesus Christ, and has been refined through many hours of practice and dedication to His work. I know that the Book of Mormon is the truest book on the earth. I am grateful for the courage and conviction of  Joseph Smith who restored the fulness of the gospel on earth. I know that my Redeemer lives.

Sunday Thoughts: Growing Light

Oh goodness, we really look forward to the Sabbath day. Attending church fuels our spirits, and I'm grateful for the moments woven in throughout the day that remind us of Christ. With the weather this time of year, we're able to spend time together as a family outdoors, and that feels like such a gift to enjoy together as a family. It doesn't mean that everything goes smoothly - we actually (for the first time I ever remember) forgot to set our alarm clocks for day light savings, but thankfully still woke up early enough that we were able to make it out the door. Our youngest seems to go through more clothing changes on Sunday morning than any other day - I've had her pick out her outfit the night before, but it seems to just add more "options" the morning of. It's always a juggle with everyone and different opinions, and sometimes I wonder if we'll ever actually make it into the car, but we never regret it. Once, after I saw this particular image representing Christ - those penetrating eyes of light, complimented by the warmth and kindness of his smile - I visualize this is exactly how he feels as we are imperfectly striving to follow His example. We don't get it all right, but we were never meant to either. I can't help but reframe my mindset from whatever I might be stressing over and just feel His light every time I think about this image.

Today, we chatted after church about light - what it feels like to share light, what it feels like when we see light in others, and what it feels like when we grow light in ourselves. We're often surprised at how much these kiddos ponder things far beyond the "every day" stuff and feel like we're typically the one learning more than the one teaching.

In our chats, the scripture that kept coming to mind was "let your light shine." Shine is part of our family motto, and it's a scripture we refer to often. Today, the word "let" kept coming up as the central focus of our conversation. 

That sometimes "letting" ourselves be the light, or receive light, or share light can be the toughest part. Sometimes fear wants to take over - fear of doing the wrong thing, judgment from others, or other fears. Sometimes we hold back because we feel like we don't need to "let" light in and that we can keep doing things on our own. We chatted how visualizing our light within us and sharing that light with others can help us overcome things that might otherwise feel fearful.

As I've pondered this today, it seems that to "let" light in, it takes acts of humility, kindness, love and connection and all kinds of other attributes that center on Christ. 

But gosh, that can be tough. It can be so much easier to sit in the space of pride, anger, resentment or thinking that we need to control someone else, or someone else needs to change before we can let light in.

I can think of many times - big and small - where I've swung on the pendulum of both ends.

But that little word - "let" - so divinely inspired. So much to grow and learn from within that one word.

I'm going to focus on that word - "let" our light shine. No matter how small or simple. 

We wanted to remember some questions Alexis brought with her to FHE along with a little talk/experience she wrote:

*How do you feel light in your life?

*What is an experience when you felt your light grow?

*What are some things you can do to grow more light in your life?

So much wisdom, so much light. Grateful to have a front row seat to watch this growth unfold.

Three ways to feel Stronger instead of overwhelmed

"You're so strong."

I heard those words in the grocery store isle one day after bumping into an acquaintance I hadn't seen for about six years. Of course, we'd stayed in touch through social media, but face to face...well, we all know how life can get.

She said it after listening to me recap how we landed back in the same city together. In short - 4 moves in 6 years to three different states, the most recent unexpected move/life change happened in a three month window: selling/buying/building a home/having our fourth baby/husband working in a different state while I wrapped up life in old state/moving out of home/kids starting new school/living in temporary housing with a newborn/moving into home.

Our conversation was brief. We had hungry little babies, and other little ones tugging at us as we spoke. But as we departed, her words rang in my ears.

"You're so strong."

Seriously? I felt anything but strong. In fact, I felt pretty dang squishy - mentally and physically. Eight weeks post-parturm with your fourth one will do that. And I felt tired. Overwhelmed. Unsure. And anxious. Lots of change had happened really fast. And while it was all for the good, it sure felt...well, fast. Drowning probably would have been a better description.

But in life we all have choices to make. And as much as I could choose to continue drowning, I could also choose to start swimming.

Three Ways to I've Found to Feel Stronger when life seems overwhelming:

Start Somewhere. One small step. Sometimes as much as I want to feel different, I am comfortable with what I already know, and change seems a bit overwhelming. Focusing on a small tweak and building from there has helped me feel success and build momentum.

Have FAITH. I've found it is so easy to listen to the loud negative voice telling me I'm not worth the effort, or listing every excuse why change shouldn't happen today. While I feel like it takes effort, focusing on the quiet voice that trusts and believes in me gives me the power to move forward.

Start Again. Because sometimes I take two steps back. As much as it may be a fail, it doesn't make me (or the process) a failure. Learning from what didn't work, and moving forward enable growth to continue.

Move Update

A little over a month ago we started the process of our new chapter.  Lots of moving parts - and lots of conversations over the phone at night as Mike spent most of the working days in June in Utah while we hung out in Nebraska (although I'm not sure that hung out is the right verbiage.  More like survived?).

Honestly, when we first started tackling everything, I felt pretty dang overwhelmed (and still do at times).  Let's be honest, piecing together the idea of selling a home (while your husband is in another state), buying a home (that you won't actually go out to see), having a baby, and then actually moving and starting all the new stuff that comes with a move + a newborn and all of the above happening in less than a 2 month time period, the list seems a little daunting.

But, I have to say, that once we took the step into the direction that we both knew we were supposed to go, our lives have been filled with more blessings than we can count.  From the big ones, like selling our house in only 6 days, and then finding one that very same week, to the little ones like cute primary girls dropping off dinner for me and the kiddos one night, or someone calling me to take the kids for a few hours so I can tackle some of the to do list stuff.

I've taken a step back this weekend and realized that it truly is amazing to see how The Lord really knows and works the finest details of your life.  We've been so grateful to become branches with some really great people here who have long established roots.  It's been awesome to glimpse into their family roots and get to stem from part of it, even if our time here has been relatively short.

It also makes me realize how important all of the little things really are in life.  From stepping out to think about what someone might need - not on a big or even grand scale, but something small and simple - and how it really makes a difference in their life.

Things are moving on and forward.  Baby girl will be arriving on Thursday (if not sooner), and then we'll have two weeks left in our Nebraska home before we head out to Utah.

Yep, it's a tight timeline, but I'm so grateful that she'll get to be born here in Nebraska.  Just as Tayler won't remember a thing about Minnesota, I'm so grateful that she was born there - a beautiful way to talk about the awesome people and memories we had there.  And, our new babe will get to enjoy the same conversations about her birth, and our life, in Nebraska.

I feel grateful for change.  Not because it is anything close to comfortable or easy, but because it is something that builds who we are.  I look back on the great memories we've had here with a big heart of nostalgia, but at the same time a big heart of gratitude that we took the step to experience it all.

Bugs

Nebraska has a lot of bugs.  I knew that before we moved here.  In fact, I remember when Mike and I drove out to Minnesota the very first time, I stepped out of the car in Lincoln, and couldn't get over how loud all of the secadias were.  It reminded me of Korea!

Now that we live here I'm lucky enough to hear those guys rub their wings all the time.  And, we've discovered lots of other new bugs.  Like a hummingbird moth.  Or a black hornet.  And, rediscovered lots of bugs that we've always known about, but are twice the size here thanks to the climate.  

But, my favorite is the tomato worm.  We had a lot of tomatoes this year.  I can't even count how many bowls we picked that looked like these below.

Recently, I was ripping out the plants (we were done for the season!) and came across the LARGEST CATERPILLAR EVER.  I showed it to Max as soon as I found it, and he ran and grabbed a container from inside.  It was a big plastic container, perfect for him to hold and inspect the worm as much as he wanted.  And, he didn't have a lid - which was no big deal since he wanted to pick him up a bunch anyway.  Upon closer study, we found out it was a tomato worm.  Easily two adult finger lengths long, an inch in diameter and a long red horn just ready for poking another tomato.  A whole bunch of my tomatoes were scarred on the outside thanks to this guy.  

Max was studying insects at school and was so excited to take this guy in to show his class.  I was too - we'd never seen one so big!  He played with it outside, and I went back to my project.

One thing led to another, and Mike had to leave for a meeting, and we seriously needed some groceries.  Hastily, I packed the kids in the car and we zipped off for a quick trip to the store.  As we were leaving Max said, "what about the tomato worm?  remember we were going to put it in a different container?"  I was in a rush, really wanted to get this mom stuff done, and said, "oh, don't worry, we can do it when we get back.  He'll be just fine."  The back of my mind reminded me that the worm didn't have a lid on, but I figured it was way too deep for him to get out.

Arriving home from the grocery store, Max bolted out of the car to check on this tomato worm.  Only to find that it was gone.  G.O.N.E.  He was heartbroken.

And I was heartbroken.

We looked everywhere, only to discover he was G.O.N.E.

Max was so heartbroken about it, and I tried to stay positive, like clearly he's doing something somewhere that is better.  We created scenarios that were like this:

*A bird swooped down and ate him.

*A bunny hopped over and ate him.

*The wind whisked the container and he flew to find his family.

But the real truth (which I suspected) and was later confirmed, came down to the curiosity of other young kiddos who'd witnessed the catch earlier in the day.  

My heart sank.  If I'd only taken a bit more time to put the tomato worm in a better spot for Max, I could have avoided this completely.

Max said many prayers like this, "and please let me find the tomato worm so I can take it back to school to show my class."  or "please bless the tomato worm to find our house again."

Ouch.  The plants were ripped out, the worm was GONE and I felt like such a bad guy.

A few days went by and as kids do so well, Max moved on.

About two weeks later, Max had the day off of school.  Alexis is actually on a different calander, so she still had preschool.  I'd toyed with all kinds of things we were going to do, but since Tayler and I were battling a cold, a day at home seemed like the best choice.

Driving home from dropping Alexis off at school, I drove on a road that I run tracks onto.  I can't even tell you how many times I drive on this road in our neighborhood.  To one side is houses, and to the other is mostly an open field (with a handful of lots that have yet to be built on).  

Staring at the road ahead I saw it.  A tomato worm crossing the street right in front of me!  

I pulled the car over, we grabbed a water bottle (I knew I had water bottles in my car for good reason!), and stuck him inside.

Max was delighted!  So excited to bring him to school the next day.

Back on the same road a couple hours later, I spotted ANOTHER tomato worm, crossing just as the other one had!  Giant!  We snagged him up and added him in with his friend.

Two tomato worms found with Max on a road that I travel on all the time.  I've never seen a tomato worm before or after that day, and I know it was an answer to his prayers.  The odds of us seeing those worms (and not just running them over), coupled with the odds of Max actually being in the car with me at that time, added to the oddness of finding them in the middle of the road was no coincidence.

Sometimes the greatest reminders that prayers are answered are in the small moments of life.   Or as well stated in a talk written by David Bednar, the tender mercies from the Lord.  

I'm so grateful we had one of them that day.

The Gap

Or, from a chronological standpoint, Easter #2.

Actual Easter came just after Mike's parents left, and the reality that Tayler was right back to the fussiness had set it.  I'm a "just do it" kind of a gal, and wasn't feeling too great about pretty much anything.  In fact, I was having a bad, negative kind of a day.  All that kept running through my mind was that I'd fallen short in everything.

This was also the time that things were a definite go with Omaha.  And, looking into the upcoming months, I was a bit bummed out.  I knew the amount of work that was needed to make it all happen, and I wasn't feeling up for it.  I just felt tired.  TIRED.


And, here's where THE GAP came in.  What was the gap?  My husband, kids, and a huge feeling from our Savior, that I'm not in this alone.  I just need to see things a little differently.  Here's how it went:

THE NEGATIVE: Getting dressed, I realized that while I wanted to wear the handful of skirts in my closet, I was still stuck with 1.  Because it was the only one that fit.  Frustrated that I was still wearing the same one skirt again, I was grouchy.

THE GAP: Alexis danced into the room just after I got dressed and told me she had a secret.  She then whispered "you're so pretty."  It was me that needed a change, not the skirt, and the realization that really?  is this really something to be so grouchy about?

THE NEGATIVE:  In a rush of getting everyone out the door, I forgot any type of writing utensil for the kids.  Who love to draw during church.

THE GAP:  Rounded up a couple pens during the car ride, and Max with excitement said, "wow!  a special pen day!"

THE NEGATIVE:  Post church, I really wanted to have a good dinner for everyone.  Meals had been such a thrown together-grab-whatever-is-quick-and-easy for so long, that I really wanted to put a little more into it.  We went with steaks.  But I didn't check that we actually had steaks until just before we were ready to grill them.  And, we didn't have enough.  So, we threw some hot dogs on the grill.  I was so bugged.

THE GAP:  Kids came to the table and Max said "wow!  we have so many choices for dinner tonight!  this is great!"

THE NEGATIVE:  Feeling so alone at this new task of mom.  Juggling three kids, unable to keep up with everything and all the moving pieces.

THE GAP:  Sitting in church, and feeling the power of love, gratitude, appreciation, you name it.  So strongly that it brought tears to my eyes.  Reminded that I needed to focus on what matters most (or what matters at all!), and breath a little.  Enjoy things for what they really are. 

I personally think that when we have a big stress or a big change coming our way, that a natural coping mechanism is to turn every little thing into a stress or obstacle when it really doesn't need to be.  I think it's hard when you are in it to see it all, but hugely obvious from an outsider, or from you when you look at things with a different perspective.

Can't say thanks enough to all those who helped me see that perspective differently.  And got me back on track.

Sunday

Taking these photos of the kiddos prior to church gave me an enormous sense of accomplishment. Maybe it's because I do the whole Sunday routine solo since hubby is at meetings. Maybe it's because I leave a 1/2 hour early to get our seat and start playing the organ prelude. Or possibly because the task of ironed, no toothpaste on the white shirt, tights that actually fit my little girls legs, headband staying on the head, hair that actually still looks combed with clean faces while having the baby bag packed for Sunday is a tricky combination. And getting myself dressed. Or walking out the door when it should be nap time and little girl is actually smiling.

At this moment, many may ask, who would even notice? Why the effort? No one. And, oddly, it's actually a bit fun getting them to look so stinkin' cute. Maybe that's why little girls like to dress their dolls (or in my case, it was my childhood cat, Rusty, who endured many cabbage patch clothes and story times while in headlock. Yes, he loved every minute.).
And, what happens when little girl misses above mentioned nap time. She just couldn't stay up for dinner.Once they were tucked in for the night, Kermit felt exhausted. Because it's a lot of work supervising.

Blessing

A couple weeks ago we had the chance to bless Alexis. It was a beautiful blessing and day, and thanks to all those who came and supported us. Here are a few (belated) pics. Some cool things:

1 - She was the first girl blessed in our ward (it's a new ward)
2 - And the first girl in the church (it's a new building)
3 - The name of her dress is "Alexis." Nope, not planned, but a funny coincidence when we brought it home and read the tag!
4 - Those cute shoes are the ones I wore when I was blessed!!

What a Day

I have to think that every parent has that moment where they realize they've just done something stupid. That point where they think hindsight is everything. Sometimes these things become the topic of co-workers conversations for the next few days, sometimes they end up as a family story that gets retold for years, sometimes they end up on the local news, where others watch and think "what were they thinking?" Well, my moment came this morning.

While I'd love to blame this on complete sleep deprivation; (while Alexis is probably the sweetest, most calm baby I've ever seen, she's got some sinus congestion, mainly due to her spit up coming out the nose rather than the mouth, and now she has this weird eye discharge) - last night's sleep total was broken into about 3 45 minute chunks as my little cutie just couldn't lay down to breathe; but I probably have to admit, this act was just plain thoughtless.

I had just finished calling the Dr. and setting up an appt. to take cute Alexis. Maxman was in the family room watching WALLE. Alexis had finally stopped crying and was on my bed. It was then that I realized that Kermit was giving me that look. Well, it was past the look, he had gotten to the point where he'd run ahead and stop in my tracks so that I'd actually trip over him, need to go to the bathroom.

Thinking all was safe for a few moments, I went to let Kermit outside. At this point, we don't have a fenced in yard, so letting Kermit out requires that you watch him at all times. And, my next door neighbors had some people outside doing some work for them, so I had to take kermit out on his leash.

Leaving the door completely open, I took one, two, three, four steps out to the nearest bush. I had enough time to look up and notice the surprisingly warm weather when I hear from behind, thump, thump, thump, thump slam! click!

Mentally, my mind took a long pause. Then, shoot. He figured it out. He just shut the door (until now, he has ALWAYS walked outside with me). Another long pause. That click must have been the deadbolt. Another long pause. My two kids are in there and I'm out here. Another long pause. Shit.

Knowing that panic would not do any good, I called for Max (who was laughing like crazy) through the glass. The next ten minutes were spent trying to explain to Max that he needed to go get his stepstool from the bathroom (which he did) and push the deadbolt to open it (which he didn't). Instead, he'd bring me pictures that he'd drawn and hold them up to the window. "Does it sound like I'm asking to see his artwork?" I kept thinking to myself. Many times he'd just leave just when I thought we were getting somewhere - it must have been a good part on WALLE. So, I'd ring the doorbell until he came back. One time, he came back, covering his ears, and saying "so loud, mama". Exactly. Max, that's why I'm doing it.

Probably from the shouting/panic intensifying in my voice, the guys who were outside came over and asked if I needed some help. While they didn't speak much english, they quickly figured out what my problem was and were so nice in trying to help me figure out another way into the house. After a few more minutes had passed with me trying to explain things to Max, I realized that my 1000 prayers may not be answered and I might just have to figure out which window would be best to break. So, I walked the house with these guys, who I'm sure were having a good laugh, but were doing their best to really try to help me out.

Then, as if it all clicked in my little guys head, I heard the door open. YES! I don't have to explain the broken window to my husband, and I don't have to call the fire dept. and get on the local news!

Max ran out saying "I did it!" and smiling from ear to ear. Since I knew the guys couldn't hear me, we went to the side of the house they were on, and once they saw Max, they started cheering and clapping for him. Which, Max thought was pretty cool.

Big thanks to the big guy upstairs for answering those prayers. Thanks to the guys who were so helpful, and kept any and all jokes/comments about the crazy blonde lady who locks her kids in the house in Spanish so I couldn't understand them. And, thanks to Max, who I knew would be able to figure out how to unlock the door.

Note to hubby: next trip to store we need to pick up a few things.

Sidenote: Miss Alexis has a blocked tear duct, due to a congested nose, which the doc gave me some eye drops for. Most likely her congestion is from all the spit up, but could be a little cold. Either way, she should be getting better soon.